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Cowboy - Uncyclopedia

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Cowboys are an undomesticated breed of the bovine variety often found wandering the open plains, yearning for a simpler way of life. The tales of the wandering cowboys have been recorded and made popular through country music, folk music, jazz modern trance and President Bush. Recently, the cowboy has become all but extinct due to use of the land by westward expansion, railroad and highway construction, green house emissions, McDonald's and modern American cinema.

History[edit]

Creation[edit]

Cowboys were created by the Almighty Ted well fucking fuck fuck after adding cowbell, adding ocwBELLBELL EBEL BELL tea-time, after watching a movie about a mountain that broke it's back. He thought "Gee, that movie could use some digital watches, but who would wear them? Maybe violated hobos!" So he snuck to the workshop where they had just told him he couldn't put fjords in South America, and wrote directions for making cowboys in ancient Jimmablammajamba on the moon. Every one who stumbled upon it thought it rather looked like the face on an old man, and the lasers turned the surface to cheese and a type of manure called Prozzäk, but eventually a hitch hiker traveling through Reaganfrica spotted it after being cruel to a *giraffe in such a way as to create their long necks (see The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, a story completely true except for the fact that Hot Black was in fact known as Cold White). The Hitch Hiker decided to write it in a language later known as Engrish on a tree. Mice scientists found the directions and followed them, creating the first cowboy, John Wayne in 1337 A.K.

Early history[edit]

In the year -500 AD, due to a temporal feedback loop, the year 500 AD occurred. This led many time machine inventors to re-check all their absolute values. Following this catastrophe, Ultra Jesus and his team determined that they needed a series of time traveling badasses to police the cosmos of space and time. Unfortunately, because the first-tier badasses ( ninjas, clinjas, pirates, and kitten huffers) were all busy doing what they do, Ultra Jesus was forced to create the elite order of cowboys. cowboys have huge cocks. Every single one of them. Every last one.

Two Indians, about to scalp a cowboy

Late History and Stuff[edit]

Well, then they did some things, and some stuff happened, and people broke up, so they all kinda decided that if they were gonna feel this bad, that they'd screw you over and make you feel bad about your disgusting cheeto stained nipples. But they took a tea break to rape a few hobos after stealing Olivia from me.... I mean after kitten huffers......

The Cowboy's Job[edit]

Don't you feel inferior, with your flabby body and Cheetos-stained fingers. You disgust me, and you disgust Cowboy Jesus

Though Ultra Jesus created the cowboys to police the cosmos, The famous Jesus coalition revolt of AD 20000 led to a major change in the job description of the cowboy. Essentially, now it is the cowboy's job to make you feel bad about yourself by being more of a man than you'll ever be, you pussy.

What to do if YOU Encounter a Cowboy[edit]

Cowboys are drunk at all times, as they always carry a shot of whiskey. To avoid enraging a cowboy, stare them in the eye and talk to them. Walk away slowly, and DO NOT RUN. Any howdy's or such are just a part of the cowboys dialect. Continue moving until you can call for help. As you are walking away, raise your arms and hands in the air and wave your hands to make your self look bigger. This may deter the cowboy, and the signs that it worked are Erections, wolf whistles, and "Yeehaw's". Also, one may bait a cowboy by throwing an alcoholic beverage or gay porno mag on the floor. Whatever you do, NEVER dress as a hobo. And never look at them as they also stand in a gay way, and convince you that being gay makes you look cool.

What to do if YOUR FRIEND Encounters a Cowboy[edit]

Immediately throw a shot of whiskey on his crotch, and step back. Be prepared to write a note to who ever finds your body that you laughed to death.

There are many fun things to do with friends and cowboys, for instance, convince him to dress up as a hobo and send him to a rodeo. When he goes to the bathroom, spill a trail of beer from the urinal he's at, to the bar. The cowboy will leave the females and enter the bathroom. Let the fun ensue.

Famous Cowboys[edit]

Gal Adrian[edit]

Commander Cowboy Jesus, the rootin' tootin' savior of mankind.

Gal V. Adrian is defeneatly one of the most famous cowboys in the world . He and his horse crushed down big names like John Wayne or Otto von Bismark Gal is a stinky , curly haired boy . The most recent quote related to is unanimous personality is "Gal Pute a Laba" ( in translation : gal stinks like cum). Oftenly , when someone makes fun of him , his faces turns pink and all his zits explode . But those are just nothings in the cotidian life of young Gal . Since pictures of him have been published online , his life has taken a radical change.

Others[edit]

Trivia[edit]

See also[edit]