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The Onion - TV Tropes

️Wed Jan 02 2013

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The Onion (Website)

The Onion is a satirical newspaper devoted to all aspects of American life and culture, frequently parodying tropes mentioned on This Very Wiki. It started in 1988 as a print newspaper by a pair of students at the University of Wisconsin, and originally distributed in Madison and Milwaukee. It has since branched off into the Internet, including video clips supposedly originating from the Onion News Network. Its print edition was discontinued in 2013, but the website carried on (the print version would eventually come back in 2024 as part of a subscription service).

The Onion also has an entertainment/pop culture newspaper and website called the AV Club, which features pop culture news, reviews of almost every form of media (TV, albums, books, etc.) and interviews presented in a humorous but factual tone. The site's head writer was Nathan Rabin until 2013. The AV Club maintains a separate identity and has very little (if anything) in common with The Onion, mostly to avoid people mistakenly thinking that the AV Club presents fake news like The Onion.

The Onion has in the past extended into a movie (critically derided, even by its own AV Club), and most recently two TV series — OSN Sportsdome on Comedy Central and Onion News Network on IFC. In 2013, a pilot for Onion News Empire, a behind-the-scenes look at the ONN newsroom, was made for Amazon.com. (It wasn't picked up.) There have also been three original Onion books — Our Dumb Century, a history of the 20th century told through fake Onion front pages; Our Dumb World, a Hollywood Atlas filled with stereotypes and Black Comedy; and The Onion Book of Known Knowledge, a mock encyclopedia of all existing knowledge.

In Summer 2012, the Onion's YouTube arm debuted Onion Digital Studios, producing parodies of non-news programming ranging from nature documentaries to reality television. In Summer 2014, the Onion launched another sister site, ClickHole, a Clickbait Gag parodying sites such as Buzzfeed, Upworthy, The Huffington Post, and Cracked, and in 2015, they launched StarWipe, a parody of celebrity tabloids like TMZ. StarWipe was discontinued in July 2016. In 2018, the Onion released the podcast A Very Fatal Murder, which parodies True Crime podcasts such as Serial. In November 2024, the Onion purchased the domain name for the controversial news site InfoWars following its bankruptcy, with the intent of relaunching the brand as a parody of far-right news sites. (The sale was later rolled back by the courts, and as of early February 2025 no new sale had been finalized.)

It's like a Transatlantic Equivalent of Private Eye (except decades younger, without the investigative journalism, and as a website) and similar to the later NJUZ and News Biscuit (which was created on the model "a British Onion"). Similarly, Ministry of Harmony describes itself as "The Onion for China". Two American-based sites are essentially twists on The Onion for different audiences — The Babylon Bee is essentially "The Onion for conservatives", while The Hard Times is "The Onion for punk rockers".

There's also the satirical Venezuelan news blog El Chigüire Bipolar^note, which uses a similar format to lampoon the country's political situation, and Le Gorafi^note, a French website created during the 2012 presidential campaign. And, last but not least, there's also the good old Uncyclopedia, which is to Wikipedia what The Onion is to journalism. As of 2019 there also exists a Stellaris version called Xenonion News created by fans of the game, similar to The Onion but set in a loosely connected Stellaris universe.

The site can be found here.

Area Man Embodies And Parodies Tropes:

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#-D

Aborted Arc: The mysterious congressman's presidential campaign initially seemed like just another funny article, but it was then followed up by him challenging the other candidates to a debate at dawn. Since then, nothing.
Advertising Disguised as News: The In the Know segment Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze? is an incresingly blatant advertisment for said juicer.
After the End: "Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital" claims that the USA will be a post-apocalyptic wasteland by the time a newly-born baby reaches adulthood. This one also has wild Mood Whiplash.
A.I. Is a Crapshoot: The Fact Zone was made fully automated at one point, which allowed it to develop sapience and an obsessive crush on Brooke Alvarez.
The Alleged Car: Jim Anchower's perpetually abused Ford Festiva.
All Girls Want Bad Boys: "Irrepressible Bad Boy Slays Seven". Parodied to the point where it crosses over into Screw the Rules, I'm Beautiful!. The bad boy in question is a sadistic, sociopathic mass murderer, yet the media still swoons over him because he's a handsome film star.
"All Grown Up" Remark: "Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object".
All Issues Are Political Issues: In the article "Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once", Chomsky tries to have a day off, but everything reminds him of oppression.
Sources said Chomsky took what was supposed to be a refreshing drive in the countryside, only to find himself obsessing over the role petroleum plays in the economic and military policies that collude with multinational corporate powers.
After stopping at a roadside McDonald's, Chomsky was unable to enjoy the Big Mac he purchased, due to the popular restaurant chain's participation in selling "a bill of goods" to the American people, who consume the unhealthy fast food and thereby bolster the capitalist system rather than buying from local farmers in order to equalize the distribution of wealth and eat more nutritiously.
Chomsky also found the burger to be too salty.
Alpha Bitch: Fact Zone host Brooke Alvarez. She even exposed the entire sad life of a viewer just for correcting a history segment. In a cameo appearance, Rachel Maddow describes her as a "cheerleader cruel bitch type".
Alternate History: A meta-example, in that the alternate history story is itself written in an alternate history universe (compare The Man in the High Castle, one of the oldest AH novels, which uses a similar premise with the in-story story The Grasshopper Lies Heavy) "Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War".
Animal Metaphor: An article has an entire family attempting to use the family dog as a metaphor for their relationship difficulties — the father for example saying that the dog feels confined and needs to run free, while the youngest child says the dog just wants some attention...
Animal Wrongs Group: "Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit" involves PETA raiding a lab and killing scientists to save a rabbit. To make matters worse, said rabbit gets eaten almost immediately after they free it.
Antiquated Linguistics: For example: "Per the Mysterious Congressman's directive, the debate will held in one fortnight's time on the shores of the Tidal Basin at day's first light. It will be broadcast simultaneously by all network and cable-news channels."
Answer to Prayers: Played for Black Comedy in the article "God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: 'No,' Says God". A little boy named Timmy Yu is paralyzed in a car accident. Timmy fervently prays, asking God to let him walk again. God finally appears to him in a towering column of clouds and gives his answer: "I am the Lord thy God, who created the rivers and the mountains, the heavens and the earth, the sun and the moon and the stars. Before Me sits My beloved child, whose faith is that of the mustard seed from which grows mighty and powerful things. My child, Timmy Yu, I say unto you thus: I have heard your prayers, and now I shall answer them. No, you cannot get out of your wheelchair. Not ever.”
Apathetic Student: Played for Laughs in "Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish", wherein a lazy student manages to rouse public support when he flunks his Spanish class so he can smoke cigarettes, which is misinterpreted by the right-wing lobby as a grand patriotic protest. The kid really is just obnoxious and stupid.
Kyle: I just basically thought Spanish sucked, what's the point? I'm American, I speak American!
Appeal to Tradition: "Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?" has this as a major focus: the reporters focus only on the Money Hole's status as a long tradition and a part of American identity (with a side note of "to stop now would be an insult to everyone").
Awful Wedded Life: Jean Teasdale and her "Hubby Rick". Rick is an alcoholic who spends most of his free time at a bar, and her interactions with Jean mainly consist of him putting her down or making fun of her; Jean, meanwhile, got her ideas about marriage from Phyllis Diller's routines and Erma Bombeck's columns, and is oblivious to the fact that their very one-sided "war of the sexes" is anything but emotionally deadening, let alone cute. In one article, she writes about her astonishment upon learning that, in theory, a marriage is supposed to be happy and harmonious.
Ax-Crazy: A Jerk Jock shooting innocent students and having killed animals for fun and written a manifesto about him skinning a classmate and wearing it as a pelt.
Bait-and-Switch Comment: Several horoscopes are like this.
Gemini: You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."
Batman Grabs a Gun: Played for Laughs as the principles which are broken in desperation are really silly to begin with: "Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department".
"Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down."
Be Yourself: Deconstructed in "Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself".
"I'm glad he felt comfortable being himself," said brother Chris Scanlon, 39. "But when you're in full-blown mid-30s-crisis mode with misogynist tendencies and a desperate, neurotic need for approval, maybe 'the real you' is not the best thing to put forward."
Bigger Than Jesus: Published an apology in their corrections section after purportedly making such a remark, consequently revealing inverted intentions:
We would like to apologize for stating last week that The Onion is "bigger than Jesus". What we meant to imply is that The Onion is more important and influential than Jesus, not that our newspaper is in any way physically larger than He was. We regret any confusion.
- The Trope Namer is referenced in Our Dumb Century: "John Lennon: 'I'm Higher Than Jesus Right Now'◊".
Black Comedy Rape: "Black Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper" is a subversion, as the article's clownish treatment of the horrific subject matter was itself the joke.
Black Sheep: "Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep". In the last quote, the siblings' mother reassures them that this isn't the case, before mentioning that she felt that way among her siblings.
Blues: Exemplified in the recurring character of supposedly legendary Mississippi Delta guitar player Willie "Skipbone" Jackson, who frequently engages in pointless Epic Rocking, sings about how his woman does him wrong, and brings sanctions against Yemen.
Bookends: The Onion opened Barack Obama's presidency with "Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job", and ended it with "Black Man Out Of Work"; both articles treat the presidency as just another undesirable, unpleasant job.
Brain Food: "Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet".
Bread and Circuses: "48 Syrian Civilians Massacred During Claire Danes' Emmy Award Acceptance Speech":
At press time, government soldiers were throwing the bloodied corpses of the civilians into a large mass grave as Lena Dunham was anxiously waiting to hear if Girls would win the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series.
Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick:
- An autistic reporter covering a train accident said that "Before the train came to a complete stop, it ran over three trash bags, a piece of gum, a Snickers wrapper, a man, and a glove."
- "Animator Misses The Birth Of His Child So Mr. Incredible Could Have Consistently Sized Penis Bulge":
  "I hope when audiences go to see Incredibles 2 this summer, they admire all the technical details Pixar's animators put into these characters — their hair, their eyelashes, the way their penises consistently rest up against their super-suits."
Break the Haughty: "Ask the Dauphin". While the Dauphin is an arrogant Royal Brat with an incestuous crush on his sister for the responses to the first three letters, in the fourth, he's completely broken as a result of being thrown in jail, and he's shown pleading for news about his family and asking for a fire.
Bulungi:
Butt-Monkey: The Onion's portrayal of JD Vance includes him being forced to dress up as a Christmas elf to Trump wondering how to get rid of him to his not being allowed to enter a golf clubhouse.
Call-Back: One article makes reference to an online voting system that allows millions of masturbators to take part in the voting process. Two days later, the article "Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way" ends with the nonvoter admitting he might start voting if the online voting for masturbators was up by 2012.
The Cameo: Ben Stiller, Rachel Maddow, and Mike Huckabee were all on the TV show. The last two were on the same episode.
Captain Space, Defender of Earth!: Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000, the recurring enemy of Evil Overlord columnist Gorzo the Mighty.
Card-Carrying Jerkass: "Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move" features Mark Seversen, who has been bullying and manipulating his co-workers for five years before deciding to call himself an asshole and brag about it, even asking the newspaper to write "Mark Seversen is the world’s biggest asshole, and he doesn’t give a fuck whether you like it or not" for the headline.
The Casanova: Recurring columnist Smoove B is basically a sexy R&B song personified. His columns detail the art of seduction and his various sexual encounters past and planned.
Caught Up in the Rapture: Parodied in "Chick-Fil-A Raptured", where the eponymous chicken sandwich chain gets sent to heaven, including all of its restaurants and food, but notably not any of its employees or customers.
Clickbait Gag: The article "How Internet Clickbait Works" describes the process of creating sensationalist content in nine steps, starting with nine days where the brain prepares to have an immediate reaction to "Check this out!" and ending with money mysteriously being earned.
Cluster F-Bomb:
Comically Missing the Point: Uses this humor a LOT, especially their Today Now! and In The Know segments. One example is "Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine," especially when Falk gets distracted by the time the prisoner, Brian Wasserman, talked about how he had to stack crates, and mostly stops listening to Falk.
Falk: Why do you want to get out of here?
Wasserman: For my family.
Falk: Can you stack your family?
Wasserman: ...What?
Falk: I want to be in prison.
Wasserman: No, you don't.
Continuity Creep: The show on IFC had some recurring stories, such as the one involving time travelers trying to kill Suri Cruise and the FDA official yelling for everyone to start eating healthier.
Continuity Nod:
- Joad Cressbeckler, first introduced as an "even more grizzled and ornery" alternative to John McCain during the "War For The White House", now has his own series (The Cressbeckler Stance) parodying FOX News' primetime commentary shows.
- Several stories about an "Area Man" visiting restaurants are about the same man (Don Turnbee of Erie, PA) with the same photo model.
- Another couple of stories are about a veterinary assistant with some odd quirks; more recently, the same idiot showed up in two stories- the first one essentially said "this idiot shouldn't be allowed to vote", while the second one takes a potshot at Donald Trump's supporters.
- One occurred in the same issue; a Jim Anchower column has him helping a driver who then gives him her number, at which point presumably an ex of her's calls him up. It's implied to be fellow columnist Smoove B, and this column has his side of the story (he doesn't say Anchower's name, but the appearance is a dead giveaway).
- While fact checking the third presidential debate, they claim to have already fact-checked Donald Trump's quote about the NAFTA. Indeed, they previously had, while fact checking the first debate.
- In The Onion's Election Glossary, 8 of the definitions are lifted straight from The Onion Book of Known Knowledge.
Conviction by Contradiction: "Idaville Detective 'Encyclopedia' Brown Found Dead In Library Dumpster", parodying the eponymous series by depicting Brown as having still solved minor cases this way well into middle age, and being praised by Police Commissioner Bugs Meany for his "arrest-to-conviction-due-to-obscure-trivia rate". Near the end of the article, Bugs, facing allegations of corruption and possible involvement in Brown's death, casually mentions that he was "at the North Pole watching penguins" at the time of the murder.
Cool Old Guy: Joe Biden was written as this for a while. After his Presidential run started kicking into gear and the media and supporters of his opponents became more critical of him, the tone of the articles started writing him as more of a Dirty Old Man currently grappling with senility.
Crapsack World:
- The world as a whole. In The Know's world has ghouls, robot overlords, baby skulls as jewelry... Rule of Funny produces some hilariously-horrific things.
- Alluded to in the article "This What World Like Now", following the Boston Marathon blast in April 2013. The last line says it all:
Crossover Cosmology: Pope Francis Hosts Feathered Serpent God As Part Of Deity Exchange Program. Kukulkan, the Mayan feathered serpent god spends this month in Vatican City, while the next month the Abrahamic God stays with the Taoist thunder god Lei Gong in the cloud kingdom over Tibet.
The Cutie: "Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure", while not quite the Trope Namer, is the originator of the Internet slang term used to refer to this type of character, describing a perfectly baked cinnamon roll as if it were a sapient creature akin to a baby or an animal. This is then subverted at the end of the article where the roll is matter-of-factly mentioned as having been purchased along with a medium cup of coffee.
Dagwood Sandwich: "Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They're Bitable".
The Danza: In-Universe, Tracy Toth, aka Today Now's Tracy Gill.
Darker and Edgier: "Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single 'Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend'".
A Day in the Limelight: "Is Pundit Duncan Birch A Worthless Idiot?"
Dead All Along: "Alarming MRI Shows Peyton Manning Has Been Dead For Past 6 Months".
Deadline News: Implied in "'No, No, Dear God No,' Mumbles Powerball Presenter After Drawing Pitch-Black Ball".
December–December Romance: "Ruth Bader Ginsburg Flirting With 67-Year-Old Intern Again".
Deconstruction:
- "Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks".
- Several articles are deconstructions, often by having something frequently portrayed in media happen to real people and showing what it would really be like, such as "Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested".
The Deep South: Repeatedly.
- "Supreme Court Rules Tennesseans are Sentient Beings".
- "South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year".
- "Obama Visits South-Carolina-Ravaged South Carolina."
A Degree in Useless:
- Inverted in "Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing 'B.A. In Communications' On Résumé"
- Played straight in "Juilliard Opens Business School For Students Who Realize Acting Thing Probably A Long Shot".
Deliberately Bad Example: "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker" has the developmentally disabled employee shine because all his coworkers are too lazy to do their jobs properly.
Deliberate Values Dissonance "Woman In Burqa Condemns Woman In Chador." Not only does the woman in the burqa have values that would seem astonishingly sexist from a Western perspective, but so does the woman in the chador, despite the former woman despising her for being subversive.
"I am proud to be a modern woman," Asaad said. "I believe that women should be allowed to attend the university, so long as the school provides a separate area for women to sit in and they do not speak to the instructor before being spoken to. I even think it is acceptable for a young woman to ride a bicycle, provided she is out in the country where no man can view it. This is the 21st century, after all."
Demoted to Extra: The regular columnists have slowly disappeared and/or dwindled in appearances since the late 2000s — Herbert Kornfeld was Killed Off for Real (and possibly Gorzo the Mighty as well), while Jim Anchower was last heard from in 2012, being taken to prison. The other regulars (including Jean Teasdale, Dept. Head Rawlings, Smoove B, Roger Dudek, Jackie Harvey, Amber Richardson, Larry Groznic, and T. Herman Zweibel) continue to make sporadic appearances. (Harvey had previously replaced Arch Danielson way back in 1998.)
Despair Event Horizon:
Determinator:
- "'The Onion' Vows To Carry On Iran's Nuclear Weapons Program Until The Job Is Done".
- "Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet".
- "Presidential Limo Guns It Around Corner In Attempt to Toss Robert Mueller from Roof".
Development Hell: In-Universe, "Script Has Been Floating Around Hollywood For 75 Years".
Did You Die?: "Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam".
Dinner Order Flub: In Our Dumb World's entry on Burkina Faso, there's a joke about the very low literacy rate of that country when one of their diplomats tries to order a notice that an extra gratuity may be charged for large groups.
Direct-to-Video: In-Universe, "Land Before Time VI Released Straight To Landfill".
Dirty Coward:
Discriminate and Switch: "I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment".
Disproportionate Retribution:
Distanced from Current Events:
Distracted by the Sexy:
- "Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman". (NSFW).
- In "Recent Rise In International Disputes Traced Back To Cute U.N. Tour Guide", many international delegates were too smitten for an attractive tour guide to do their jobs properly. Played for Horror in that these international delegates' failure to do their jobs have inadvertently led to or contributed to political conflicts and humanitarian crises.
  "The North Korean representative was so busy staring at her that he just nodded in agreement when the council condemned his nation's weapons program and voted to freeze its assets," Eritrean diplomat Berihu Alazar said. "Then the guys from South Korea and Japan started razzing him about it, trying to look cool in front of her. He turned bright red all of a sudden and threatened to wipe everybody off the face of the earth."
Divine Parentage: "Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands."
Does This Remind You of Anything?:
Don't Go Into the Woods: "Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines". Disregarding this trope and venturing into the forest — whether by losing your way on a foggy night, looking for a shortcut despite repeated warnings not to, or just waking up in the middle of the night and heading straight for the forest — turns out to be the leading cause of death among Americans.
The report, which analyzed the nation's mortality data from the past decade, found that wandering past the tree line and entering the shadowy depths that lie therein results in approximately 650,000 deaths each year.
Door Stopper: "Girlfriend Stops Reading David Foster Wallace Breakup Letter At Page 20".
Double-Blind What-If: Parodied in "Alternate Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War".
Downer Ending: See Mood Whiplash examples below, as well as "World Now Down To 5 Stories That Are Inspirational", which followed on from the Real Life arrest of double-amputee Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius for murder. Even the article has a downer ending when the number is reduced to four (a father heroically battling cancer turned out to be having an affair with an underage girl).
Dragged Off to Hell: "Giant Demonic Hand Bursts Out Of Ground, Drags Bill Belichick Back To Hell," right in the middle of Super Bowl LIII too.
Drives Like Crazy: "General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags".
Droste Image: "Area Article Nauseous From Constant Scrolling" features the titular article as the picture.
Dude, Not Funny!: In-Universe, "Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize".
According to officials, at least 13 circus performers have died, with dozens more suffering severe burns as a fire spread through the mile long train, eventually igniting a fuse that launched a human cannonball 200 feet above the devastating and not-at-all amusing scene.
Other straight-faced sources confirmed none of the accident's sights and sounds were even remotely entertaining, from the spectacular fireworks launching every few minutes to the whimsical strains of carnival music echoing endlessly through the night as a result of smoke billowing through a steam calliope.
Dumb Is Good: "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker".
Driven to Suicide: "Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously", and "Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide".
Dysfunctional Family: Pretty much the whole point of Jean Teasdale's regular column, and strongly implied in Roger Dudek's, whose wife has grown to hate him and his jovial, neglectful stupidity ever since their third child was stillborn.

E-H

Eagleland:
- Both types at once, in "American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways".
- Type 2: "Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad?"
Early-Bird Cameo: In "Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy ads", a spokesperson for Hennessy was seen on Fact Zone, which is where the show on IFC would take place about a year after the video was released. The show would occasionally be mentioned on the news ticker on some other videos.
Eldritch Abomination:
- "After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016".
- This has been a Running Gag about the baby born to Prince William and Kate Middleton.
- And, of course, God. It's actually quite a good example of what an Eldritch Abomination might look like (we're probably not seeing its full incomprehensibility, doubtful a human-built camera can pick that up) and do to someone if it decides to directly show itself. Assuming, of course, that isn't just a tiny EXTENSION of the divine being.
- "Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis".
- The Director of the Theseus Protocol apparently causes the temperature to drop 25 degrees just by being present, may be able to cause storms at will, and when people make eye contact with them, he causes "a sudden veil of blackness to descend upon them paralyzing their bodies and causing them to collapse to the floor in a fit of wide-eyed tremoring." He also appears to lead an army from another dimension, and wants to destroy this physical universe to birth a powerful god known as the "Many-Instanced One."
- "World-Eating Leviathan Awoken From 500-Million-Year Slumber In Martian Underground Lake After Feeling Sonar Disturbance".
Epic Fail: "O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica".
Epic Rocking: "Carrie Underwood Releases Complex, Multi-Part Prog Rock Inspired 'Sunday Night Football' Theme Song."
Eskimos Aren't Real:
- "I Sometimes Wish Lawyers Existed Outside The Fantastical World Of My Novels".
- "Bizarre Sci-Fi Novel Posits World Where Natives Inhabited America Before Europeans".
Even Evil Has Standards:
Everybody Has Lots of Sex:
Everything Is Big in Texas: "Texas Constructs U.S. Border Wall To Keep Out Unwanted Americans".
Everything's Deader with Zombies: "Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP", among many others.
Evil-Detecting Dog: "Family Dog Barking At Evil".
Evil, Inc.: "Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation".
Evil Only Has to Win Once: "USSR Wins Space Race As U.S. Shuts Down Shuttle Program".
Evil Overlord: Gorzo the Mighty, Emperor of the Universe since the 1930s.
Evil Power Vacuum: "Second-Most Popular Kid In School Assumes Power Following Death Of Star Quarterback".
Evil Stole My Faith: One article had a Straw Loser whose very existence was an affront to both the theory of evolution (what purpose can this guy possibly serve?!) and the existence of a kind and loving god (If we're made in God's image, well...), with each side parading him around as the ultimate argument against the other.
Exaggerated Trope: Many of the articles get their humor from taking a regular trope and cranking it up full blast.
Executive Meddling: In-Universe, "Network Executive Cancels Show After Ruining It In Development".
Existential Horror: "Scientists Teach Gorilla it Will Die Someday", as well as "Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths". And those are just the really obvious ones.
Exploding Barrels: "Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels".
Exponential Plot Delay: "Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films".
The Extremist Was Right: Some articles, such as "Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children", essentially portray some paranoid conspiracy theorists as being right.
Eye Scream: "Report: It A Miracle Nothing Has Punctured Your Eye Yet".
Face–Heel Turn: "Lance Armstrong Admits Drug Use, Plans Return To Cycling As Flamboyant, Fan-Hating Villain".
Fag Hag: "Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond".
Famous for Being First: The video "First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women" is a fictional news report which parodies this trope for dark satire. The titular female dictator is Amivi Gama, a ruthless revolutionary who has made herself the President of East Timor. She leads a brutal Reign of Terror to crack down on all dissent, with everyone in the video (even her own victims) being impressed that a woman can prove to be just as much of a cruel tyrant as any man can be. This obviously satirizes the concept that achievements made by the "first" woman in any given field are necessarily positive, even if that field is inherently evil (like being a mass-murdering dictator, terrorist, or war criminal).
Fan Dumb: In-Universe.
- "Jon Hamm To Overenthusiastic Fan: 'You're Ruining Me For Everyone'".
- "Why Don't They Make A Second 'Godfather' Movie?".
Fantastic Drug: Gaseous Planets serve as this in "God Completely Fucked Up After Huffing Gaseous Planet".
Fantasy Sequence:
- "Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination".
- "Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy".
Fat Bastard: Jeremiah Alden, the fattest man on the Mayflower and possible culprit of genetic obesity in America. Although his demeanor is noted as being "joyous and agreeable" by the other settlers, his laziness and great appetite meant that he tended to do nothing but sit around all day and eat all of the colony's supplies, which led to half of the Puritans starving to death that winter.
Faux Affably Evil: "So, What's It Going To Be?" by Bashar al-Assad is written in such a tone.
Felony Misdemeanor: "USDA Official Takes Brave Stand Against Interstate Potato Pricing".
Female Misogynist:
- "Woman In Burqa Condemns Woman In Chador" has Uliya Salah, who despises Raheela Asaad for not conforming to the Taliban's sexist rules as much as she does.
- Implied in "Chinese Woman Gives Birth to Septuplets, Has One Week To Choose" when, after the wife expresses her intention to keep the heaviest of the boys, the husband of the mother says that “We definitely do not want either of the two girls,” implying that both he and his wife ruled out the girls on the basis of their gender.
Ferris Wheel of Doom: "Report: 40,000 People Died On Ferris Wheels This Summer".
Fetus Terrible: Kate Middleton's baby looks to be one in such articles as "Kate Middleton: Cut This Monster Out of Me" and "Royal Family Releases Kate Middleton Ultrasound Image".
Filler: New Census Study Finds That 40% Of U.S. Population Is Filler.
Finishing Move: "NHL To Allow Finishing Moves In Fights This Season", with an obligatory Shout-Out to Mortal Kombat.
Firemen Are Hot: "Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze".
Firing in the Air a Lot: "Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy".
First-Contact Math: "Earth Contacted By Extraterrestrial Nerds".
First Rule of the Yard: "Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day".
Fish out of Temporal Water:
- "Roman Centurion Crawling Out Of New York City Manhole In For One Wacky Adventure".
- Founder and editor of The Onion T. Herman Zweibel far surpasses a Disco Dan, being positively ancient (over 140 years old) and sheltered from modern life for a century by his severe decrepitude and distaste for his fellow man. He seems dimly aware of what's going on in the world, but for the most part, he approaches everything with the zealous tyranny of a Gilded Age robber baron — when he learns of the death of print and the new tycoons of social media, his first instinct is to have Zuckerberg and Musk killed.
Five-Token Band: "Graphic Artist Carefully Assigns Ethnicities To Anthropomorphic Recyclables".
Flock of Wolves: "Klan Rally 70 Percent Undercover Reporters".
Fluffy Cloud Heaven: The tendency of many editorial cartoonists to draw bland "tributes" with dead celebrities at the Pearly Gates is mocked in Kelly's panels, which often depict famous people that he hates for some reason suffering in Fire and Brimstone Hell.
Flyover Country: "Indianapolis Announces Really Embarrassing Bid For 2020 Summer Olympics".
Foe Romance Subtext:
- "Sexual Tension Between Arafat, Sharon Reaches Breaking Point".
- "Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry".
Foil: Liked to portray former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan as this to Vice President Joe Biden. Biden was a wild, laid-back hard-living Cool Old Guy who loves dealing pot and listening to rock n' roll; Ryan is an intense young health nut and fitness junkie who doesn't tolerate any distractions from his workout regimen.
Food Porn:
- "Report: Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich".
- Treated as literal porn in "Masturbating Mom Can't Get Bobby Flay Southwestern Eggs Demo To Stop Buffering".
Forever War: "New Evidence Suggests Middle East Conflict Predates All Human Civilization".
For Science!: In "Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday", a team of primatologists successfully teaches a gorilla named Quigley that death is inevitable. Quigley experiences an existential crisis and becomes depressed; the scientists are quite proud of the result and hope that eventually they'll be able to teach a gorilla to resort to alcoholism or even commit suicide.
For the Evulz: "Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows".
Former Child Star: "Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted By 2013".
Fountain of Youth: "Experimental Anti-Aging Treatment Still Has Few Kinks, Report Infant Researchers".
Franchise Zombie: In-Universe, "Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films".
Friend to All Living Things: "Geese All Flying To Andy García's House For Winter".
Frozen Dinner of Loneliness: "Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals".
Funk:
- "Clinton Threatens to Drop Da Bomb on Iraq".
- "National Funk Congress Deadlocked on Get Up/Get Down Issue".
Fun-Hating Confiscating Adult: One column has Senator Tom DeLay losing his temper with a group of teenagers playing frisbee on the Capitol lawn. Said frisbee flies through the window and disrupts an important meeting. DeLay tells the teenagers that he's keeping the frisbee and that they can't do anything about this because he is very politically powerful. When he turns away from the window, a hacky sack flies into the room and hits him on the head. DeLay tells the teenagers that the joke's on them because he won't return their hacky sack either.
Funny Background Event:
- The news ticker at the bottom of Newsroom videos.
- Also, some screenshots of websites have headlines as funny as the news ticker's.
- "Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing".
Future Badass: "Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital".
Future Loser: "Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted By 2013".
Gaia's Vengeance: "Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace as Hundreds of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him".
Game Show: Spoofed in various articles.
Game Within a Game: "Warcraft Sequel Lets You Play a Character Playing Warcraft".
The Generic Guy: "Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim".
Genre Blindness:
- "Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat".
- The woman in the commentary "I'm Sure That Out-Of-Control Water-Skier Will Avoid Our Outdoor Wedding".
  Pretty soon the guests will stand, the wedding march will sound, and my father, Senator Stodgeworthy, will walk me down the aisle. Oh, he may look irritable and unkind, but I know deep down he's proud of his little girl for organizing the world's most perfect wedding that will in no way be suddenly derailed by that now-slightly-more-visible water-skier, flailing his arms and screaming "Look out! Whoa! Whoooa!"
Gentleman Thief: "Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Daring Jewel Heist".
Get a Load of That Square: "Area Father Must Have Read Some Drug-Slang Brochure Or Something".
The Ghost: Clifford Banes, the supposed host of In The Know. The various reasons given are Troperiffic:
Giant Enemy Crab: "Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat".
Girlboss Feminist: "First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women" is a fictional news report that parodies this trope for dark satire. The titular female dictator is Amivi Gama, a ruthless revolutionary who has made herself the President of East Timor. She leads a brutal Reign of Terror to crack down on all dissent, with everyone in the video (even her own victims) being impressed that a woman can prove to be just as much of a cruel tyrant as any man can be. This obviously satirizes the concept that achievements made by the "first" woman in any given field are necessarily positive, even if that field is inherently evil (like being a mass-murdering dictator, terrorist, or war criminal).
Girlfriend in Canada: The entirety of "Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated"
When questioned by biology-class lab partner Eric Brower about the specious Canadian lover, Woronoff became defensive.
"Of course Audrey exists," Woronoff said. "She just sent me this plaid lumberjack shirt I'm wearing, see? Where else would I get a Canadian shirt like this? You're just jealous because I have an exotic foreign girlfriend, and you don't even have an American one."
Girl on Girl Is Hot: Parodied with "Lesbian Couple Enjoys Hot Lesbian Action"; the image with this caption shows two middle-aged butch lesbians sitting on a couch.
Girls Have Cooties: "10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations".
Glurge: In-Universe, "Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad".
Glurge Addict: Jean Teasdale's columns paint her life as an endless stream of cute "kitties", ice cream, Precious Moments figurines, and endearing squabbles with her man's-man "hubby" Rick. The reality of her situation — that she's a deluded 40+ sad-sack, and Rick is a neglectful, alcoholic, emotionally abusive prick — seems to escape her.
Godzilla Threshold: "Last Ditch Climate Change Plan Provides Locations of Weapons, Current Whereabouts of Oil Executives".
Good Cop/Bad Cop:
- "Good Cop, Avid-Stamp-Collector Cop Routine Not Working".
- "Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist".
Got Me Doing It: Referenced by name in the last paragraph of "Man Has Derogatory Nickname For Every Neighboring Town".
It's not like he truly believes the girls in Litchfield are bitches; last year, he had a girlfriend from Bitchfield. I mean Litchfield. Shit, now he's got me doing it.
Grand Finale: One article provides a fictional example, with Shuntaro Furukawa, Nintendo's president, declaring Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 to be the final video game that will even release. Any and all future development on video games would cease following its release.
Here's to video games! We're sad to see them go, but if there was ever going to be a fitting end, this is it. Bon voyage!
Grand Romantic Gesture: Deconstructed in "Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested".
Marzano was taken into custody after violating a restraining order filed against him by Kellie Hamilton, 25, an attractive, unmarried kindergarten teacher who is new to the L.A. area. According to Hamilton, Marzano has stalked her for the past two months, spying on her, tapping her phone, serenading her with The Carpenters' "Close To You" at her place of employment, and tricking her into boarding Caribbean-bound jets.
Grapes of Luxury: "Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy".
Gravity Is Only a Theory: The article "Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory", where fundamentalist Christians are no longer content to get equal time with biology to preach theology in biology class. They now also want equal time in the physics class, demanding that the theories of Newton and Einstein step back in favor of the theory that the universe is held together by Jesus' love.
Green-Eyed Monster: ‘Really, Really, Really Happy For You, Kamala,’ Says Hillary Clinton, Not Letting Go Of Handshake
The Grim Reaper: Frequently appears in Kelly's cartoons, where he's used as overblown symbolism that things Stan Kelly doesn't like are evil and wrong.
Groin Attack: In "In Bipartisan Spirit, Obama Makes Deal To Get Kicked In Balls", political analysts give their opinions on a deal where President Obama agrees to let Republicans in Congress repeatedly kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing.
Gruesome Goat: In an article reporting on the U.S. Department of Evil's decision that all must die, the Department's Dread Secretary of Evil Hammond S. Reynolds is depicted as a humanoid with the head of a red-eyed goat.
The Guards Must Be Crazy: "U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien Friend".
Gun Nut: "NRA Praised For Decreasing Stigma Of Mentally Ill Acquiring Firearms".
Hand Puppet: "Local Puppet Ignores Repeated Audience Dragon Warnings".
Hands-On Approach: "Romney stands behind Ryan to Show Good Campaigning Stance".
In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man's hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, sources confirmed.
Harmful to Minors: "U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially-Exposed Breast On TV".
Has a Type: "Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type".
Hate Sink: "Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie".
Have I Mentioned I Am Sexually Active Today?: "Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier and Earlier, Report Teen Boys".
Head-in-the-Sand Management:
- "Robert Mueller Dreading Returning From 2-Month European Vacation To Start Russia Investigation".
- "CDC Director Alarmed After Googling 'Covid Cases' For First Time in Weeks".
Healing Vat: "Experts Recommend Putting Injured Person In Some Sort Of Cylindrical Tank Filled With Fluid"
Heävy Mëtal Ümlaut: "Ünited Stätes Toughens Image with Umlauts".
Heel–Face Turn: "Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways".
Henpecked Husband: "Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie".
A Hell of a Time: "Hell Now A Thriving Epicenter Of Gay Culture".
Help Yourself in the Future: "Time-Traveling Hillary Clinton Warns Self To Do Everything In Exact Same Way".
Hero of Another Story:
- During his term as Secretary of State, articles involving John Kerry had him portrayed as though he was the protagonist of an action movie, and picked up right as the action started happening.
- The Supreme Court being semi-superheroes.
High-Altitude Interrogation: It's reported in their web video "Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time to Play Games" that "hardass cops can be fucked with for two more hours, at which point they will resume dangling lowlifes from rooftops until they get the answers they want."
Historical Beauty Update: "I Would Have Been Considered Very Attractive In The Middle Ages".
Hive Mind: "Residents of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness".
Hobos: In "Why Am I The Only Homeless Man Still Wearing Pickle Barrels?", the narrator is a homeless man who was once a powerful railroad tycoon before the fickle hand of fate robbed him of his mansion, wealth and fine suits, and set him on the wandering path of the hobo. He bears himself with dignity, seeking nothing more than a pickle barrel to clad himself in, a stray can of beans for his supper, and the company of his old friend Handsome Joe the Hobo King who lives down by the train yard. In recent days, however, he worries about the looming extinction of his traditional lifestyle — modern hobos have largely abandoned the traditional barrels for flashy, trendy wear such as be-patched trousers and shoes that leave the big toe exposed, suitable barrels have become rare as well as shipping companies have switched to glass jars and cardboard boxes, and fewer and fewer people transport their canned goods in poorly-secured bicycles where even a slight bump might send a hearty stew flying to the street.
Hollywood Atlas: Our Dumb World is constructed largely out of this Trope, with a dash of Black Comedy here and there.
Hollywood Hacking: "Fast-Talking Computer Hacker Just Has To Break Through Encryption Shield Before Uploading Nano-Virus".
Hollywood Heart Attack: Discussed in "Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn't Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough".
Hollywood Psych:
- "Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man".
- And "Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine".
Hollywood Science: "Coal Lobby warns Wind Farms may blow Earth off-orbit".
Horrorscope: The Onion's faux horoscopes are often blackly comedic in nature. Horoscope for Scorpio: 'Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death".'
Hostility on the Set: In-universe: "Steven Spielberg Recalls Coming To Blows with E.T. On Film Set".
Ho Yay: "World's Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises".
Hulk Speak: "Why No One Want Make Hulk 2?".
Humanoid Abomination:
- "Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse of Real Michael Jackson".
  Holbrooke said that, while the living Jackson is the leading suspect in the murder investigation, he "could be another victim of some sort."
  "Basically, we have no idea what type of creature we are dealing with," Holbrooke said.
- Dick Cheney, Ted Cruz, and especially Steve Bannon are all frequently depicted this way.
Humans Are Psychic in the Future: "Report: World's Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware".
Hunting the Most Dangerous Game:
Hurricane of Euphemisms: "Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There".
Hurricane of Puns: Roger Dudek's regular column is basically just a nonstop barrage of the most horrible puns imaginable.
Hype Aversion: In-Universe, "New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products".
Hypocritical Humor:
- "Female Scientists Say Domestic Abuse Not Problem, Says Team of Female Researchers Who All Recently Sustained Injuries Due to Various Accidents".
- "Elmore Leonard, Modern Prose Master, Noted For His Terse Prose Style And For Writing About Things Perfectly And Succinctly With A Remarkable Economy Of Words, Unfortunately And Sadly Expired This Gloomy Tuesday At The Age Of 87 Years Old".
- "Second-Grade Teacher Overhyping Third Grade" ends with the third-grade teacher criticizing the second-grade teacher for exaggerating how difficult/fun third grade will be, before saying that she has to prepare her students for "the really hard stuff in fourth grade."
- "Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point of 'G.I. Joe'" — Rowe's employers complain about him wearing a shirt for the fictitious terrorist organization, while they named their company after the president and greatest general of the Confederate States of America, who rebelled against the U.S. in the American Civil War.
- A recurring aspect of the humor in the mock political cartoons is that Stan Kelly, their fictional author, will happily switch sides on any given argument again and again based on his myopic focus and whether or not things inconvencience him personally. For instance, he will routinely lambast "today's teens" for their various immoral and lecherous habits in contrast to wholesome, all-American children, and then criticize them just as harshly for being teetotallers instead of honoring the American tradition of drinking like fish, since he's a habitual drunkard and doesn't like it when people do anything differently from him.

I-L

I Don't Want to Ruin Our Friendship: "But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them".
I Need a Freaking Drink: In "Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride," after the bride's father provides a quote about how much he spent on the wedding that no one but his daughter enjoyed, "Dr. Lingren then retired to the bar, where he proceeded to drink heavily."
I Reject Your Reality: In the article "Study: Vaccines Don't Cause Autism, Even in High-Risk Kids," a study reports that vaccines are not linked to autism, even in high-risk children, and the article asks some people what they think about the study. A woman named Rosemary Woods says to let her know when there's a study that shows what she knows in her heart.
If It Bleeds, It Leads: "Missing Girl Probably Raped".
If You're So Evil, Eat This Kitten!: Inverted in a report on new financial regulations, among them requiring stock traders to pass a "Kitten and Hammer Ethics Test".
I Have No Son!: "DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room". The official doesn't quite say the words, but he never refers to the suspect as his son.
I Have This Friend:
- "Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq".
- "Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes".
I Know Madden Kombat: "LBJ Deploys Green Bay Packers to Vietnam". ^Explanation
Immoral Reality Show: Parodied with Sex House, in which six contestants live together in a isolated house, which should hopefully results in lots of sex and drama and high ratings for the network, but with The Onion being The Onion, things quickly take a turn for the worse.
Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: "Winchester Unveils New 9MM Stray Bullet Guaranteed To Hit Innocent Bystanders".
Improbable Aiming Skills: "Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda".
Indian Burial Ground: "Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds".
Infraction Distraction: "[Andrew] Cuomo Increasingly Desperate To Shift Focus Back Onto Nursing Home Deaths".
Innocent Inaccurate: In the article "Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box", a man's fatal illness is described from the point of view of his children, who are too young to understand the finality of death and believe that their father will come back even after attending his funeral.
Insurmountable Waist-Height Fence: "Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush".
Inspirationally Disadvantaged:
The Internet Is for Porn: "Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet" (NSFW).
Interspecies Friendship: "8 Unlikely Animal Friendships", a parody of one of the more common choices for clickbait articles.
It Has Been an Honor: "'It's Been An Honor, Gentlemen,' Shift Supervisor Says As Giant Vat Of Molten Cheese Erupts".
It Is Beyond Saving: "FDA Commissioner: I Give Up On You Pigs".
It's All About Me:
- "New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep".
- This is much of the gag with Kelly, in that his political views amount to "whatever is most convenient to me, personally." For instance, he is in favor of the bird population crisis, because that way birds don't poop on him.
It's All My Fault: "Soaring U.S. Divorce Rate Blamed On Local 11-Year-Old".
It's Popular, Now It Sucks!: In-Universe, "Trekkies Bash New 'Star Trek' Film As 'Fun, Watchable'".
It's Quiet… Too Quiet: "Tea Party Quiet... Too Quiet".
I Want My Jetpack: "I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now".
I Was Told There Would Be Cake: "Cake Just Sitting There".
Japandering: "Obama Earns Money For U.S. By Appearing In Japanese Television Commercial".
Jerkass:
- "Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move"
- "Asshole Proud of Asshole Son," which features a racist, sexist jerk who's pleased that his son's turning out like him.
Jerkass Has a Point: Jean Teasdale's husband Rick may be a hard-drinking jerk, but he's also Closer to Earth than Jean (which isn't difficult, to be honest), he gets upset with her for squandering their money on things like Precious Moments figures when they're trying to get out of debt.
Jerkass Woobie: In-Universe, "Teen With Cancer Vows It Won't Keep Her From Being Mean, Moody Little Shit".
Jerk Jock: "Second-Most Popular Kid In School Assumes Power Following Death Of Star Quarterback".
Jiggle Physics: "New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering Of Smaller Breasts".
Joggers Find Death: "Nation's Joggers Sick of Finding Dead Bodies".
Jurisdiction Friction: "Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over".
Just Here for Godzilla: Parodied in "Guinness Releases Abridged Book Of Freaks For Readers Who Just Want The Good Stuff".
"Just Joking" Justification:
- "Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole".
- "Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously".
Just the Introduction to the Opposites:
- "Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian".
- "Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating".
- "Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish".
Just Train Wrong:
Karma Houdini:
Karmic Death: "EPA Administrator Proves Carbon Emissions Not Harmful By Inhaling Directly From Truck's Tailpipe".
Kick the Dog: In "Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired", not only is Mark Tendulkar, the man in question, a slacker who thinks he's hot stuff despite his incompetence, but he also badmouths the one coworker who defends him, albeit not knowing that said person is doing so.
Killed Off for Real: Averted with Doc and Kenny, who came back a couple months later with their heads wrapped in bloody bandages.
Kill the Poor:
- "RNC Builds Levee Out Of Poor People To Protect Convention Site".
- "Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic's Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class".
- "Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City".
Knight in Sour Armor: "Existentialist Firefighter Delays Three Deaths".
Knuckle Cracking: The intimidating spinal variant in "Bad Guy Signals Badness with Neck Crack".
Lampshaded Double Entendre: "Peyton Manning's Wife Tired Of His Constant 'Audibles' At The 'Line Of Scrimmage'".
Latin Lover: "Small Town Ravished By Alejandro".
Let's See YOU Do Better!: "'Well, You Try To Reconstruct Iraq,' Says U.S. Defensive Dept."
Let Them Die Happy: "Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over".
Lifetime Movie of the Week: "Oh, My God – The Baby!"
Lighter and Softer: "New David Simon Project To Investigate Happy, Upper-Middle-Class Streets Of Wilmette, Illinois".
Literal Metaphor: A good deal of the horoscopes.
Capricorn: You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person's shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
Taurus: You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
Literal-Minded: "Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot".
Lonely at the Top: "Rich Guy Feeling Left Out Of Recession".
Long List: The list of people not to be at the end of "Tips For Not Condemning Millions Of Americans To Sickness And Death".
Look on My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair: "New Chuck E. Cheese Restaurant Forged In Iron And Blood".
Loophole Abuse: "Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation with Wish for Unlimited Wishes".
Lovable Sex Maniac: Joe Biden was portrayed as one until 2020.
Love Hotels: "Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'".
Lowest Common Denominator: In-Universe.
- "Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall".
- "No One Admits To Singing, Writing, Producing Nation's No. 1 Song".
Lysistrata Gambit: "Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached".

M-P

Mad Scientist:
- "Corpse-Reanimation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists".
- "Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted by Budget Cuts".
Madwoman in the Attic: "LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet".
The Magazine Rule:
- "Star Wars Gamer Magazine Boldly Claims To Be The Leading Magazine For Star Wars Gamers".
- "New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado".
- "New Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic".
- "Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On".
Magical Negro: "Maya Angelou Honored For Courage, Blackness".
Malevolent Architecture:
- "Video-Game Characters Denounce Randomly-Placed Swinging Blades".
- "'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall".
Manchild:
- Exaggerated in "Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups".
  According to alarming new figures released Monday by the U.S. Census Bureau, the nation's population of mature adults has been pushed to the brink of extinction, with only 104 grown-ups remaining in the country today.
  The endangered demographic, which is projected to die out completely by 2060, is reportedly distinguished from other groups by numerous unique traits, including foresight, rationality, understanding of how to obtain and pay for a mortgage, personal responsibility, and the ability to enter a store without immediately purchasing whatever items they see and desire.
- Donald Trump's sons tend to be written as this, including "Trump Boys Beg Father To Nominate G.I. Joe Action Figure Cobra Commander For VA Secretary" or "Trump Boys Forge Father's Signature On Letters They Wrote Excusing Them From Any More Testifying".
Manipulative Editing: Parodied in the video "Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her", part of the fictional True Crime Show Within a Show Raw Justice. The "real" story appears to be a tragic accident in which a normal couple were having passionate sex in the kitchen before the husband performed a possibly lethal "donkey punch" on his wife. Raw Justice's version turns it into an oversensationalized crime story about a "coital boogeyman" who held his wife captive for years as a Sex Slave before finally and coldly committing premeditated murder. They use every editing trick in the book to make the husband seem like a monstrous rapist and the wife as a battered victim with Stockholm Syndrome, while the actual content of the story is anything but horrific.
Dean Raid's description: In the kitchen where he would eventually murder her, John would have Mary prepare him sumptuous meals. He would force the captive Mary to listen to his rambling anecdotes about his job. Sometimes John would flex his power over her, demanding she tell him about her day as well. Sometimes... they would watch TV.
Marathon Level: "NASCAR Considers Single 21,500 Mile Race For 2011 Season".
Married to the Job: "Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team".
Marrying the Mark: Parodied in "Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam", where a woman marries a man in order to obtain food, lodging, and financial security in exchange for occasional sex for over 19 years.
Mass "Oh, Crap!": "Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda".
Mass Resurrection: "MrBeast Announces He Has Resurrected Everyone Buried At Arlington National Cemetery"
Meat-O-Vision:
- "Life-Raft Companion Looks Just Like Juicy Steak".
- "C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder Keep Imagining Each Other As Giant Talking Hot Dog, Hamburger".
Medium Awareness:
- "Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation Into Panic".
- "Breaking News: Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot".
Mind Screw: "Obama's Weekly Video Addresses Becoming Increasingly Avant-Garde".
Military Coup: "U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt".
Misaimed Fandom: In-universe with "Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of 'G.I. Joe'".
Mischief-Making Monkey: "Epstein Guards Placed On Disciplinary Leave For Allowing Selves To Be Distracted By Mischievous Monkey That Stole Key Ring".
Missing Child: "Every Parent's Worst Nightmare Is Losing A Child To Gorchul, The Dark Sorcerer Of Time". It's almost as if it's making fun of the endemic misuse this trope gets on this very wiki.
Missing White Woman Syndrome:
- Inverted with "Ugly Girl Killed": a little girl is brutally murdered, but there's no outpouring of sympathy and horror simply because she was not cute.
- "Missing Girl Probably Raped".
- "Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister".
Mistaken Nationality: Overlapping with Spexico in "Restaurant Turns Out To Be Spanish, Not Mexican".
Mockbuster: "Disney's 'Toy Tales' Hits Theaters Friday".
Money, Dear Boy: In-Universe, "Nobel Fever Grips Research Community As Prize Swells To $190 Million".
Mood Whiplash:
Moon-Landing Hoax: "Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked". Ironically, the story was reprinted by two Bangladesh newspapers^note as real news.
Added Armstrong, "I suppose it really was one small step for man, one giant lie for mankind."
The Moral Substitute: This article explains that a West Virginia professor bans unreliable sources for papers. The first of them is The Onion, explaining that this is not news, but literally a parody. Then she explains the second source:
2) Fox News – The tagline "Fox News" makes me cringe. Please do not subject me to this biased news station. I would almost rather you print off an article from The Onion.
More Dakka:
- "Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day".
- "AR-15 Assault Rifle Beginning To Worry It May Never Get To Kill Innocent Person".
The Morlocks: "Hundreds Of Blind, Pallid Disney Characters Discovered Living In Caves Deep Within Space Mountain".
Most Definitely Not a Villain: "Cindy McCain Claims She's 'Just Like Any Other Female Human'":
Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy McCain says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and consuming earth food for energy […] who loves her children with both her hearts […] but wonders why the man-creatures dare to doubt their masters. Just a normal person!
MST: "Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing".
Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at the exact right moment, sources reported.
Multiple Demographic Appeal: "Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series".
Mundane Made Awesome:
Mundane Utility:
Murder Simulators:
- "Video-Game Violence Blamed In Giant-Robot Shooting Spree".
- "Study Finds Cable-TV Violence Leads To Network-TV Violence".
Music Is Politics: "Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years".
Must Have Nicotine: "Smoking Now Permitted Only In Special Room In Iowa". Cue millions of people driving all over to the country to smoke in a single room, in a single building in a small Iowa town.
My Friends... and Zoidberg: "Barbara Bush Passes Away Surrounded By Loved Ones, Jeb"
My Greatest Failure: "Mall Justice Is Swift And Harsh".
Thursday, November 3, 1995. Early afternoon. I have been working as a security guard at Clover Square Mall for two, maybe three months. The world is my oyster. I veer off my usual route and stop for a Mountain Dew at Mrs. Fields.
As I lean against the counter, shooting the breeze with Gail, I hear a distinctive clap-clap sound coming from the direction of Electronics Boutique. That sound can only mean one thing–running. Past Waldenbooks, Eddie Bauer, Lane Bryant and Sbarro run a young Caucasian male. Paul, the assistant manager of Electronics Boutique, is pursuing him. I give chase, but I am too late. The perpetrator has escaped with a brand-new copy of Madden '96.
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THERE. I was young, damn it. YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM. I am a human being, not a god. HE IS OUT THERE STILL. I don't know that.
Mystery Magnet: "Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon".
N-Word Privileges: "God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz".
Narm: Invoked with "Study: Children of Divorce Twice As Likely to Write Bad Poetry" (no longer available online but can be found in the book Dispatches from the Tenth Circle).
Naughty Under the Table: Briefly referenced in this video: "Space Under Boardroom Table A Complex Web Of Feet Massaging Various Genitals."
Needle in a Stack of Needles: "Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister".
Negative Continuity: The world of The Onion runs on this. For example, in this article, the Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage. The very next day, they ran an article saying the Court voted unanimously to uphold the Defense of Marriage Act.
Network Decay: In-Universe, "Learning Channel Switches to All-Gilligan Format".
Never My Fault:
- "Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time".
  "The lack of sunlight makes me cranky," said Mac Dougal, who in previous months has blamed the humidity, his favorite sports team losing, not getting enough sleep, and the "terrible" office coffee for making him a total, un-relenting asshole.
- Part of Jean Teasdale's Cloud Cuckoolander act is her never accepting responsibility or blame for her faults, whether it's getting fired^note or her poor sense of humor^note. When a local magazine calls her article out for being garbage, she insists that they don't know what they're talking about — while doing everything that they said makes her articles garbage.
- "Girlfriend Dumped After Valentine Candy Related Weight Gain". After pressuring his girlfriend to eat the candy he gave her (which she then ate over the course of a week as they were snowed in and left unable to do her usual errands, like the gym), a boyfriend dumps the slim girl via email for putting on somewhere between 3-5 pounds.
- The infamous article "Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years of Being Told to Kill Herself to Heart" has the girl still badmouthing her dead classmate/victim and actually trying to trivialize the tragedy via this and "Just Joking" Justification. Worse is how even years after the fact is that it's plausible that the bully's empathy (or likely lack thereof, if going by the article) still won't truly allow her to accept responsibility for what she did or make any real amends (or stop her from doing it to someone else).
New Technology Is Evil: Kelly's cartoons often mock/demonize teenagers for using these, typically referring to the devices as "SOME GIZMO". Contrary to the intended message, it only makes Kelly himself look hopelessly behind the times — he's bemoaned the fall of VHS◊ in the past, and only embraced the DVD format when it began to concede to Blu-Ray.
Nice Guy:
- In "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker", Andy Ehrman is courteous and helpful to the customers. He politely calls his coworkers out when he sees them doing something wrong, and is willing to do the work himself if they're too lazy to do anything.
- In "Friends Don't Understand How Man Not Depressed," Carl, the man in question, is described as "super nice" and remains friendly and sociable despite his low income and inability to get a girlfriend.
Nietzsche Wannabe:
- "Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life".
- "Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths".
Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: "Hurriphoonado Cuts Swath Of Destruction Across Eastern, Western Hemispheres".
Nipple and Dimed: The article "U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV" satirizes the whole Janet Jackson thing and the question raised here.
No Animals Were Harmed: "Factory-Farm-To-Table Restaurant Proudly Serves Locally Tortured Animals"
No Celebrities Were Harmed: "Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit".
No-Holds-Barred Beatdown:
- "If I See Doug, I'm Going To Kick His Ass vs. Apparently Doug Is A Better Fighter Than I Thought".
  Anyway, Doug began pounding fist after fist into my helpless, highly-unprepared-to-fight-him body. Gotta give credit to Doug here for putting so much force into my ribs that the blows not only caused me to gasp for air and writhe in pain, but broke my will to fight completely. Never in my life has my spirit been so low as when Doug started kicking me in the face with his steel-toed boots.
- "Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling on This One Guy".
No Indoor Voice:
- "I Enjoy Yelling Things".
- "BREAKING: Incomprehensible Shouting Named Official U.S. Language".
Non-Indicative Name: In "Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters", the interviewer asks what the anteater's Venezuelan name means, and the expert says, "catcher of ants." After an awkward pause, the inteviewer points out that he finds it interesting that anteaters don't eat ants.
Noodle Incident:
No OSHA Compliance:
No Party Like a Donner Party: Played for Laughs in "In Retrospect, I Guess We Might Have Resorted To Cannibalism A Bit Early", where five people stuck in an elevator kill and cannibalize a sixth — less than an hour after gettting stuck.
No Product Safety Standards: Has a few parodies of this, such as one video where a munitions manufacturer apologized for hollow-point rounds not exploding properly, with animations showing the problem.
Nostalgia Filter:
- Mocked In-Universe with "10 Things That Will Make You SUPER Nostalgic for The '90s", a 2013 slideshow with real photos of such great things as the Rwandan genocide, the fiery end of the Waco siege, the Oklahoma City bombing, and Columbine. And Alan Alda, for some reason.
- "Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions".
No Such Thing as Bad Publicity: In-universe with "Bloomberg Campaign Raises Visibility By Pumping $5 Million Into #BloombergIsRacist Hashtag".
"No Talking or Phones" Warning: "Vehement Anti-Cell-Phone Guy Finally Caves".
Nuclear Mutant: "We Must Expand Our Nuclear Power Program If We're To Realize Our Dream Of Superhero Mutants".
Obsessive Spokesperson: Parodied in an article introducing a violent McDonald's mascot, "The Hammurderer." The article mentions another (fictional) recalled character, "Shakes McJunkie," who was so addicted to McDonald's shakes that he committed robberies just to get money for shakes. This mascot was apparently retooled into "The Machead" who used "panhandling and gay prostitution" to fund his burger addiction.
Off to See the Wizard: "Sitcom Resorts To 'Wizard Of Oz'-Themed Fantasy Episode".
Off with His Head!:
- "White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt".
- "Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine".
Old Shame: In-universe, "Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s".
Once Done, Never Forgotten:
- "Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade".
- "Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart".
- "Man Who Got Shit Together 5 Years Ago Still Viewed As Lovable Fuckup By Friends, Family".
- "All Of Man's Accomplishments Overshadowed By Hefty Birth Weight".
Only Sane Man: Duncan Birch's typical role as the "Sole Dissenter" in the In the Know segments occasionally results in him being cast in this role, but he's at least equally likely to be one of either Only Sane by Comparison, Right for the Wrong Reasons, or even equally insane as the others but in a slightly different way (often subverting this trope in the process by initially seeming as if he's going to point out the obvious logical flaw before revealing himself to actually be objecting to some esoteric and insignificant detail of their blatantly insane proposal).
Only Sane Employee: "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker".
Only Six Faces:
- The American Voices feature has been showing the same six or so photos for over a decade, with different names and occupations each time (though one of them is often a systems analyst).
- Ambiguously used in the similar sports feature Fan on the Street, which always shows the same three photos with no names or occupations given. Lampshaded by The Onion itself here.
Opinion Myopia: In-universe. Stan Kelly, the fictional creator of The Onion's parodic political cartoons, refuses to accept that people might differ from him in aeshetics or opinion on even the most trivial subject without being moral degenerates. One cartoon, for instance, is dedicated entirely to lambasting modern sickos for their anti-American and freedom-hating habit of... eating wraps instead of sandwiches.
Organic Technology:
- "Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot May Hold Clues To The Crash".
- "Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook".
Our Slogan Is Terrible: "New 'Small 'n' Flaccid' Ad Campaign Least Successful Ever".
Outdoor Bath Peeping: "Relationship Experts Recommend Single Women Try Bathing In Open Stream Until Suitor Glimpses Them Through Trees".
Overly Long Gag:
- "'The Hobbit' To Feature 53-Minute-Long Scene Of Bilbo Baggins Trying To Figure Out What To Pack".
- "Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle".
Overly Narrow Superlative: According to "Best Sports Stadiums", "Michigan Stadium has been selected by The Saginaw News as the best 100,000-plus-seat venue in Washtenaw County for 13 consecutive years."
Overly Stereotypical Disguise: "Reporter Goes Undercover In Chinatown By Wearing Silk Robe" sees the undercover reporter putting on Yellow Face, a conical straw hat, fake buck teeth, and speaking in broken English in the belief that it will help him blend in with the population of Chinatown and allow him to infiltrate a counterfeit ring. Much to his genuine confusion, people refuse to speak to him and multiple store owners tell him to leave, in either English or Cantonese.
Panty Thief: "Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid".
Parental Obliviousness: "I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit".
Parenting the Husband: "Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship".
Parody Product Placement: "Spider-Man Distracts Dr. Octopus With Delicious Hostess Fruit Pies".
A Party, Also Known as an Orgy: "Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy".
Pay Evil unto Evil: In "Ask The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting", normally, assaulting a fellow Kiwanis Club official would be completely unacceptable, but not only is Treasurer Bill Jarvis an irresonsible, chronically absentee alcoholic, but he'd just responded to being called an "asshole" by bringing up how fellow member Roger Lambert's wife was Driven to Suicide three years ago. When Lambert starts punching Jarvis, the board holds a motion on whether to stop him, and it's defeated 16-2.
Pedophile Priest:
- "Biblical Scholars Find Evidence Church Covered Up For 3 Wise Men Who Molested Baby Jesus".
- "U.K. Cardinal Resigns In Wake Of—Get This—Sex Abuse Allegations".
People's Republic of Tyranny: In "Clinton Declares Self President For Life", Clinton renames the US to the "Holy United Imperial Americlintonian Demopublic" — right after naming himself President-for-Life and invalidating all election results.
Periphery Demographic: In-universe.
- "Children, Creepy Middle-Aged Weirdos Swept Up In 'Harry Potter' Craze".
- "Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials".
- "Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series".
Perverse Sexual Lust: "FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It's Alyson Hannigan"
Photographic Memory: "Area Man Can Remember Exactly Where He Was, What He Was Doing When He Assassinated John F. Kennedy".
Photoshop Filter of Evil: This cheap trick is spoofed among many other examples of Manipulative Editing in the manufactured satirical crime story "Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her".
Pie in the Face: "Study Finds Link Between Being Struck By Cream Pie, Diminished Social Standing".
Plausible Deniability: "Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability".
Please Wake Up: "Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box".
Plot Hole: "Hollywood Maintenance Crews Sent Out To Patch Up Film Industry’s Plotholes".
Poking Dead Things with a Stick: The article "Poke with Stick Confirms Raccoon's Death" — two brothers, ages 9 and 11, obtain conclusive proof that they have found a dead raccoon after prodding it several times with a stick after earlier tests involving throwing rocks and an empty soda can yielded no results.
Police Are Useless: "Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation".
Political Cartoons: Since 2006, The Onion has published an ongoing series of over-the-top editorial cartoons, drawn by artist Ward Sutton in the fictional persona of grouchy old right-wing crank Stan Kelly. Most of them feature the usual clichéd devices of the format as running gags — the Statue of Liberty weeping profusely, Kelly at his drawing board muttering a cynical pun in the corner. (A number have nothing to do with politics whatsoever, instead serving as a soapbox for Kelly to gripe about his lousy ex-wife, "today's messed-up teens", and the police officers who keep pulling him over for driving drunk.)^note
Political Overcorrectness:
- "Parents Dedicate New College Safe Space In Honor Of Daughter Who Felt Weird In Class Once".
- "Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'". The video details how the man, despite being an attempted murderer, tries to go out of his way to not have the murder come across as racially motivated — culminating in him settling on shooting Obama with a crossbow with the bolt having the names of great Black historical figures written on it, while wearing a dashiki and kufi and blasting soul music in a nearby car.
Popularity Polynomial: In-universe, "Lava Lamps Revert From Passé Retro Kitsch Back To Novel Retro Camp".
Potty Failure: The Capricorn of this horoscope list.
Precision F-Strike: "Playboy Centerfold Has Big Dreams, Tits".
President Evil: "Obama: Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness".
President for Life: "Clinton Declares Self President For Life," complete with Commissar Cap and Chest of Medals.
Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Herbert Kornfeld, Accounts Receivable.
Kornfeld: 'Cause I keep my fly shit on my desk. I gots my dope spreadsheets, my hangin' file folders, my delinquent-account file, my paper clips, my Post-It note dispenser, my monthly desk planner, my Midstate Office Supply business cards, my four-color ball-point pen, my motherfuckin' dot-matrix printer address labels, and my stoopid-fresh three-hole punch. Not to mention my computer. I swear, if I see any of y'all within three feet of my computer, I'll put a Lee Van Cleef on your bitch ass. I'll come at you like a mother fuck.
Pro Wrestling Is Real: Inverted. According to this video, it's the fans that are fake, not necessarily the wrestlers.
Product Placement:
- "Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?"
- "Peter Jackson's 'The Hobbit' Stays Faithful To Original Book, Denny's Menu".
- "NASCAR To Abandon Racing Portion Of Business, Concentrate On Ads".
Professional Wrestling: "Vince McMahon's X-SPAN Promises Bone-Crunching Legislative Coverage".
Pyromaniac: "Top Ten Most Glorious Flames Of 2015".
Public Medium Ignorance: "NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: Drive Fast".
Punny Headlines: Being an example of News Parody, has a couple:
- Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality
- Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules
Put on a Bus to Hell: Jim Anchower hasn't been heard from since 2012, when he was arrested and sentenced to six months in jail.

Q-T

Quantum Mechanics Can Do Anything: "Sci-fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'".
Raised by Wolves: Parodied in the Onion News Network video "Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody". The girl in question is a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer who always wears pressed suits and slicked-back hair, talks in a stilted news-anchor voice, and is calmed by the use of a lint roller.
"Rashomon"-Style: Point/Counterpoint, particularly "European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men vs. American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy".
Race for Your Love: "Man Running Toward Departing Train Must Have Finally Realized He Loves Her".
Real Dreams are Weirder: "Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelette' That Came To Him In A Dream".
Real Men Wear Pink: "New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt".
Reality Is Unrealistic: "Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy" is a perfectly accurate depiction of fact, just with an unusual tone.
Political observers are struggling to understand exactly how, on Oct. 7, Arnold Schwarzenegger, an Austrian-born, movie-star muscleman with no political experience, was elected to govern the state of California, the world's fifth-largest economic region.
Really Gets Around: "Town's Teen Pregnancy Spike Due To One Impressive Youth".
Real Men Hate Affection: Parodied to a logical extreme with "Scientists Teach Father To Communicate Emotions Using Rudimentary Hand Gestures", implying that a father managing to express emotion after months of rigorous training would be a scientific breakthrough.
"The Reason You Suck" Speech:
- "New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up".
- "Going-Out-Of-Business Sign Thanks Neighborhood For 3 Months Of No Support Whatsoever".
Reckless Gun Usage: "8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights".
Recursive Reality: "Physicists Discover Our Universe Is Fictional Setting Of Cop Show Called 'Hard Case".
Red Scare: "USSR Wins Space Race As U.S. Shuts Down Shuttle Program".
Refuge in Audacity:
- "Mexico Killed In Drug Deal".
- "They Can Never Take Away My Memories", by Jerry Sandusky.
- "Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President".
Released to Elsewhere:
Remarried to the Mistress: The premise of the "New Mommy A Lot Prettier" article. More disturbingly, the children start to prefer her over their own mother, in spite of them being kicked out of their large home to go live with their mother in a small apartment, their father using gifts to help win them over, and the implication that both him and their stepmother don't actually parent either child as evident from them having no set bedtime and the lack of concern about the son's asthma medication.
Repressed Memories: One of the Jean Teasdale articles from Finest News Reporting shows that she repressed a memory of being sexually abused by a bully while in Catholic school; it comes back when she's watching The Rosie O'Donnell Show because Rosie reminds her of the bully, and results in her throwing a Precious Moments figure at the TV (she misses).
Repurposed Pop Song: "Song About Heroin Used To Advertise Bank".
Rerouted from Heaven: "Mother Teresa Sent to Hell in Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up".
Retail Riot: "42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record".
Ret-Gone: "Report: Decision To Read This Headline Has Erased Future Daughter 'Emily' In All Possible Timelines".
Retired Monster: Soon after Bashar al-Assad's overthrow, "Assad Returns To Ophthalmology At Moscow LensCrafters." It mentions how Assad threatened to use sarin gas on his receptionist.
Road Trip Plot: Over the summer of 2017, Stan Kelly was stuck on one with his son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. He hated virtually all of it and, whether as a side-effect of his perpetual curmudgeonly attitude or due to other circumstances, it ended in his son's marriage collapsing and Stan fleeing early on a plane.
Robosexual: "Ford Assembly Line Foreman Thinking About Asking Out Cute Welding Robot From Work".
Robotic Reveal: "New Study Finds Best Way To Determine If You Are Android Still Cutting Open Forearm To Reveal Circuitry Within".
Room Full of Crazy: "Melania Trump Stumbles Upon Dozens Of Husband’s Haunting, Macabre Self-Portraits".
Rousing Speech: Attempted in "Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids", but, like all the other tactics the kids use to save their camp, it fails.
Rubber-Forehead Aliens: "Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles".
Rube Goldberg Machine: "Hot Wheels Ranked Number One Toy For Rolling Down Ramp, Knocking Over Dominoes That Send Marble Down A Funnel, Dropping Onto Teeter-Totter That Yanks On String, Causing Pulley System To Raise Wooden Block, Propelling Series Of Twine Rollers That Unwind Spring, Launching Tennis Ball Across Room, Inching Tire Down Slope Until It Hits Power Switch, Activating Table Fan That Blows Toy Ship With Nail Attached To It Across Kiddie Pool, Popping Water Balloon That Fills Cup, Weighing Down Lever That Forces Basketball Down Track, Nudging Broomstick On Axis To Rotate, Allowing Golf Ball To Roll Into Sideways Coffee Mug, Which Tumbles Down Row Of Hardcover Books Until Handle Catches Hook Attached To Lever That Causes Wooden Mallet To Slam Down On Serving Spoon, Catapulting Small Ball Into Cup Attached By Ribbon To Lazy Susan, Which Spins Until It Pushes D Battery Down Incline Plane, Tipping Over Salt Shaker To Season Omelet"
Rule of Cool:
- "Nation Demands Tax Dollars Only Be Wasted On Stuff That's Awesome".
- "Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'".
Running Gag:
- When the print versions need to fill a small space, they put in a small article with nothing but the repeated phrase "Passersby were amazed by the unusually-large amounts of blood." (which also appears in context during "Blood... Blood Everywhere"). In Ad Nauseam, these instances are accompanied by completely off-the-wall "quotes" like "I'm thinking about getting into self-mutilation" or "Congress must be so stoned to come up with all those cool laws."
- Recurring article types include "[Corporation] scientists discover [related discovery]", among others. In the sports section, any article about Tim Duncan will make fun of how bland he is.
- Clifford Banes has never actually appeared in his self-titled panel-discussion series In the Know with Clifford Banes; there's always a sit-in newscaster who gives an absurd reason for Banes' absence. The only time he did show up, he wore a perfect latex Julianna McKennis mask.
- In the Stan Kelly Political Cartoons:
  - The Statue of Liberty crying.
  - Kelly being an avid fan of Star Trek: The Original Series, the kind who hates J. J. Abrams with a passion.
  - Kelly's massive case of professional envy towards the late Charles Schulz, the creator of Peanuts, consistently describing him as an "overrated, talentless hack" and always depicting him as burning in Fire and Brimstone Hell.
- According to Our Dumb World, every single African country has at least one resident named Mtumbe Ngoube.
- All the George W. Bush injury articles (see Butt-Monkey and Take That!) end with "Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital."
- "This Week In History" always includes Professor Timothy Hendry sidetracking into a long rant. After he apparently killed colleague Eric Kaufman, he started in on some daddy issues instead. After that, he started arguing about payment with the hosts.
- Dr. Eli Wasserbaum is a recurring "expert" quoted in many articles.
- Taylor Swift's dating life, which thus far has included Garfield creator Jim Davis, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Suri Cruise, James Holmes, the winner of a "Win a Date with Taylor Swift" contest (which she wrote a scathing hit breakup song about), Christopher Dorner (who she got back together with after he was killed), the Watertown boat Dzokhar Tsarnaev was found in, an Alternate Universe bodybuilder George Harrison, and the Mars Curiosity rover.
- A photo of Alan Alda keeps showing up in slideshows.
- Some politicians are portrayed as leading lives completely different than what they actually do, i.e. Joe Biden (until 2020) was a party-hearty Cool Old Guy, while John Kerry tends to be right in the middle of an action movie.
- In a very dark running gag, the site has run different articles all titled "'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens" whenever a mass shooting happens in the United States, with most of the text being copied and pasted from the previous article, just swapping out the details of the tragedy. To date, they've done more than ten of these with The Other Wiki compiling a list of each time the article was published.
- An extremely subtle one, but there are numerous articles that associate Germans with cannibalism.
Ruthless Modern Pirates: Fake political cartoonist Kelly did a panel about these at the end of October 2013, not long after the release of Captain Phillips... but it presents them in a positive light, labeling them "Today's Swashbucklers" for carrying on the tradition set by Blackbeard, Captain Jack Sparrow, and Captain Morgan, suggesting that all he knows about piracy then and now comes from romanticized fiction and/or Pop Cultural Osmosis (Sir Henry Morgan is mostly known in the 2000s as the namesake of a brand of rum).
Sadistic Choice: "So, What's It Going To Be?"
If you don't do anything about it, thousands of Syrians are going to die. If you do something about it, thousands of Syrians are going to die. Morally speaking, you're on the hook for those deaths no matter how you look at it.
So, it's your move, America. What's it going to be?
Salt the Earth: "Snuggle Marketers Kill Off 18-34 Demographic Rather Than Let It Fall Into Hands Of Competitor".
Sampling: "Nation's Rappers Down to Last Two Samples".
Samus Is a Girl: "Hotshot Test Pilot Removes Helmet, Reveals Female Status".
Sanity Ball: The various recurring guests and hosts on In The Know take turns holding this between different segments and being the Only Sane Man with any actual knowledge regarding the issue. In other segments though everyone is equally uninformed and holding the Idiot Ball.
Santa's Existence Clause: "Sitcom Characters Still In Shock After Christmas Episode Proves Existence Of Santa Claus", which features Frankie and Mike Heck from The Middle suffering a severe existential crisis in the aftermath of an end-of-episode tease that Santa is Real After All.
Sarcasm Failure: Although most articles by The Onion are written as satire, a few are technically accurate news accounts.
Saw "Star Wars" Twenty-Seven Times:
Scare 'Em Straight:
- "Driver's Ed Class Finally Gets To See Legendary Safety Film".
- "Kids In Scared Straight Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice".
Scenery Porn: "National Parks Closed For Annual Remajestification".
Schmuck Bait: During Fact Zone's intro, if you pause at just the right time you'll see a TinyURL address. It leads to a Rickroll.
Screwed by the Network: In-universe. On the season finale of the show on IFC, The Cressbeckler Stance was canned so the network could introduce a new program about motorcycles in the spirit of the new American Dream.
Screw Politeness, I'm a Senior!: Deconstructed in "114-Year-Old Attributes Longevity to Sheer Random Chance". While the article keeps using words like 'feisty', 'bouncy', 'chipper', and 'peppy' to paint Mrs. McCreeley's attitude in a more positive light, Hazel herself is extremely bitter and nihilistic about her continued existence, including the decline of her body and the many children she's outlived, and can only express herself properly during the brief moments of lucidity her brain allows; the mayor of Milford goes on record as wishing she'd just hurry up and die, and her own hope for her 115th birthday is "to be rotting in a coffin".
Screw the Rules, I Have Money!: "Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence".
Screw the Rules, I'm Beautiful!: "It's Okay, I'm Attractive".
Screw This, I'm Outta Here!:
- "U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy".
- "Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back".
Sealed Evil in a Can: "Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus' Tomb Are Weakening".
Seasonal Rot: In-universe.
- "5-Year-Old Says 'Sesame Street' Has Sucked Since 2010."
- "'Game Of Thrones' Showrunners Disappointed With How Quality Of Fans Has Dropped Off Over Past Couple Seasons."
Second-Person Narration: The paper's preferred method to point out This Loser Is You, such as "Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade".
Seize Them!: "Seize Him!", which also includes a bunch of other tropes expected in this scene: the Evil Overlord, Just Between You and Me, You Have No Chance to Survive, Agony Beam, Surrounded by Idiots, etc.
Self-Deprecation:
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: "Report: Things Finally As Bad As Trump Claims".
Sequelitis: In-universe.
- "Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel".
- "Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films".
Serial-Killer Killer: "Series Of Serial Killer Killings Rocks Serial Killer Community".
Serious Business:
Setting Update: "Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended".
Seven Deadly Sins: "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale".
Sex Is Evil, and I Am Horny: One article commented on the scandal of the Catholic Church covering up for pedophile priests (by moving them around instead of ousting and reporting them, thus covering their tracks and giving them access to new victims) by having the Pope announce that God will forgive the children for their crime of leading his priests into temptation.
Sex Sells: "Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman" (NSFW).
"Shaggy Dog" Story: "Area Liberal Worried His Asian Dry Cleaner Doesn't Like Him." It turns out that the dry cleaner isn't giving the liberal the cold shoulder because she doesn't like him — she apparently doesn't even know who he is.
Shaped Like Itself:
- "Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches".
- "Investigators Determine Air France Disaster Caused By Plane Crash".
Shaving Is Science:
She Cleans Up Nicely: "Bearded Lady Cleans Up Real Nice".
Shell-Shocked Veteran: "George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost of Iraqi Child That Follows Him Everywhere".
Shipper on Deck: Subverted in "Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing", in which it's repeatedly made clear how unhealthy the couple's relationship is. That said, even the only source willing to say straight out that the marriage won't last remarks that they're a "cute couple."
Shoddy Knockoff Product: "Yellowstone National Park Concerned About Competing 'Yello-Stone Natural Park' Built Right Across Street".
Shoot the Shaggy Dog: "Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit" becomes this when said rabbit gets caught and killed by a fox minutes after being released into the wild.
Shout-Out:
Shown Their Work:
Side Effects Include...: "Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft for Everything' Ad Campaign".
Silly Rabbit, Idealism Is for Kids!: "Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy".
Shrug of God: In-universe and literal example with "God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die".
Significant Anagram: Dr. Tanas from Dr. Good is an anagram for Satan, whom he is heavily implied to be.
Single Parents Are Undesirable: In : "I Never Wanted You vs. Mommy, Please Come Home," the mother complains that potential husbands won't even consider her due to her having a daughter.
Single Tear: Kelly invariably depicts the Statue of Liberty as shedding one, whether out of sorrow or joy.
Skewed Priorities:
- "CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak".
- "Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gas".
- "Neighbors Confront Alcoholic Child Abuser About His Lawn".
- "CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company" has the company more concerned with sales goals than with the loss of life caused by the shooting.
Sleazy Politician:
- "City Of Chicago To Modernize Outdated Graft Programs".
- "Illinois Supreme Court Deems Rahm Emanuel Sleazy Enough To Run For Mayor Of Chicago".
Small Name, Big Ego:
- "Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me".
- The parody editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly displays traits of this frequently. In the book collection, he even dedicates it to himself for having the guts to "tell it like it is".
- "Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired" has the underperforming and lazy Mark Tendulkar excited about making one sale.
  "Mark came in all smug after selling a MultiPASS MP360," floor supervisor Andrew Miller said. "He said something like, 'Put another one in the win column for the Marksman.' I wanted to tell him that one $140 sale wasn't going to be enough to save his job, but protocol must be observed. I can't wait until Lascowicz sends him up the river."
Small Reference Pools: "Area Man's Pop-Culture References Stop At 1988".
Smart Cetaceans: Parodied this with the article "Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: 'Oh, Shit,' Says Humanity". The article is then filled with stories of the Dolphins' incredibly rapid technology development, and marine biologists committing suicide or preparing to serve the Dolphin overlords.
Sophisticated as Hell:
- Smoove B:
  Smoove B: Lay your body down, and I will show you love. I will drape you in the finest black silks. I will travel to the finest Asian nations to attain this silk. Then, I will run my fingers through your hair. I will caress your body slowly and whisper in your ear while I do so. I will tell you such things as, "You are the most beautiful woman in the world" and "Your skin is like the most expensive Swiss chocolate money can buy" and "Your eyes are like windows to paradise," and other romantic things that will make you tremble with desire. I will hit you doggy-style.
- Pretty much all of Horrifying Planet, especially this one.
  The sound is heard in their small earholes. The two manatees did meander over, I assumed spurred by some rudimentary form of empathy to help their helpless brethren. This was incorrect. When they got there, the two manatees — seriously, this– this actually happened — worked together to hold the crippled one firm up against the glass of the enclosure, to help the first manatee finally succeed in fucking it in the ass.
- The last quote in this article.
  "The human being is an animal with extremely strong self-preservation instincts," Trudeau said. "In this regard, Mr. Kroll's preparatory measures make perfect sense. But while devising emergency plans is understandable, Kroll should realize that no matter how much he prepares, the only thing he can count on in prison is having his creamy white ass churned into butter."
- "Epic Saga of Employee's Ineptitude Passed Down Through Generations Of Coworkers"
  "If there is but one lesson to draw from this story, my coworkers, it is that Plasky will receive new accounts so long as he takes living breaths," digital marketing analyst Robert Meyers said. "No matter the severity of his latest missing assignment or wildly inaccurate market projections, the wisdom of ages speaks this one truth: Employees of Thorpe shall come and employees of Thorpe shall go, but Doug will remain on the payroll forevermore."
  "God, I can't believe nobody's had the balls to just fucking fire him already," Meyers added.
So Unfunny, It's Funny:
So What Do We Do Now?: "Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?'".
Speak Ill of the Dead: In "Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids".
Spoiler: In-universe, "Final Harry Potter Book Blasted For Containing Spoilers".
Spurned into Suicide: "David Cameron To Scottish People: 'I'll Kill Myself If You Leave'"
Stalking is Love: "Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested" involves the titular man being arrested for stalking his love interest during his Grand Romantic Gesture.
Stealth Sequel: "Francis Ford Coppola Reveals Every 'Godfather' Film Took Place In Same Narrative World".
Stoners Are Funny: Everybody Must Get Stoned, from scientists to pizzeria workers, and this is invariably depicted for humour.
- "World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?"
- "Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High".
Stop Being Stereotypical:
- "Chinese Laundry Owner Blasted For Reinforcing Negative Ethnic Stereotypes".
- "American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole'".
Story Arc:
Strangely Specific Horoscope: Played for Laughs. Every issue has an insane horoscope with strangely specific and violent predictions. For a couple of concrete examples:
- Pisces: After years of work, you will be asked to submit your paper called "There Is Nothing Like A Good Plate Of Bacon And Eggs" to the philosophy department at the Sorbonne.
- Aries: Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.
- Taurus: You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
Strange-Syntax Speaker: "Rules Grammar Change".
Straw Critic: Jackie Harvey is an inversion, as he loves damn near any movie put out.
Straw Feminist: "I Don't Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men".
Strawman Political: The editorial cartoons are done by a strawman conservative who draws even more ridiculous strawman liberals.^note
Strictly Formula: All of Jim Anchower's articles pretty much follow the same formula — first he complains about his car, then mentions he lost whatever job he had for the intermittent time between articles.
Struggling Single Mother: "I Never Wanted You vs. Mommy, Please Come Home" features a mother who resents her child for being a burden on her and the child in question, who simply wants her mother to love her.
Stupid Sexy Flanders: "Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay".
Sturgeon's Law: "Internet Scam Alert: Most 'Kickstarter' Projects Just Useless Crap".
Super-Deformed: Deconstructed. "Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size" explores the ramifications of even the mild form (4 heads) seen in Bratz dolls.
Super Serum: "Clinton Injected With Highly-Unstable Experimental Growth Serum".
Surprisingly Realistic Outcome:
Suspiciously Specific Denial:
- Inverted; "Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology".
- "When I Have Kids, I'm Not Going To Drown Them".
- "Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly".
- "Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason". Nothing to worry about though! Also, Homeland Security recommends wearing them at all times and the Navy is building shipyards in Idaho, Missouri, and Ohio — which, for context, are all landlocked states^note. No reason, though.
  "My fellow Americans, you may have noticed some small changes in the way we're asking you to go about your daily business," said Bush, his words muffled by a brass diving helmet. "The government is not trying to scare you. We just want you to be prepared for the very remote possibility that your lives will never be the same."
  "Again, I cannot stress enough what a longshot that particular unspecified scenario is," Bush continued. "We are not facing what I would call a 'credible threat,' so don't even bother worrying about it."
- "New Study Finds 'The Onion' Has Never Been More Popular, More Beloved, or More Respected". ^Explanation
- "Gore Camp Denies Putting Bush Camp's Canoe In Treetop".
Sweet Tooth: Deconstructed with Jean Teasdale. She often writes about her love of chocolate and shares recipes of homemade desserts with ludicrous amounts of sugar. Eventually, she develops type 2 diabetes.
Sword of Plot Advancement: "Congress Sets Sail In Search Of Fabled Sword Of Bipartisanship".
Tailor-Made Prison: "Prisoners' Rights Group Protests Treatment Of Supervillains In Nation's Magnetic Detainment Cubes"
Take That!:
Take That, Audience!: Does this from time to time.
- "Fuck Everything, Nation Reports":
  Americans reported feelings of overwhelming disgust with whatever abhorrent bastard did this and with the world at large... and above all with their own pathetic goddamn selves, sitting in front of a fucking computer instead of doing fucking anything to help anyone...
- "Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus Was Our Top Story This Morning":
  So, as managing editor of CNN.com, I want our readers to know this: All you are to us, and all you will ever be to us, are eyeballs. The more eyeballs on our content, the more cash we can ask for. Period. And if we're able to get more eyeballs, that means I've done my job, which gets me congratulations from my bosses, which encourages me to put up even more stupid bullshit on the homepage.
  I don't hesitate to call it stupid bullshit because we all know it's stupid bullshit. We know it and you know it. We also know that you are probably dumb enough, or bored enough, or both, to click on the stupid bullshit anyway, and that you will continue to do so as long as we keep putting it in front of your big, idiot faces. You want to know how many more page views the Miley Cyrus thing got than our article on the wildfires ravaging Yosemite? Like 6 gazillion more.
  That's on you, not us.''
- This broadcast:
  "I promised myself I would get through one newscast this year without insulting the viewers. Unfortunately, some promises were meant to be broken you uncomprehending halfwits."
The Talk: "Daughter Thinks It's Time To Have Sex Talk With Parents".
Talkative Loon: "Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics".
Teacher/Student Romance: "Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship". Also includes Shipper on Deck.
Techno Babble:
- "Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics".
- "Sci-fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'".
Terrorists Without a Cause: "Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O".
Teens Are Monsters:
- "15-Year-Old Girl Viciously Torn Apart By Rabid Pack Of Peers".
- "Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized".
- "'100% of Teenagers Huge Fucking Assholes' Confirms Study By Sobbing, Red-Faced Scientist".
Teen Pregnancy: Deconstructed in "Abused 12-Year-Old Alabama Girl Doesn't Think She Can Handle Being A Mom On Top Of Everything Else".
"I have several book reports and a big algebra test coming up in the next few weeks, and I had even been thinking about trying out for my school's chorus, but giving birth and caring for an infant is going to really cut into my studying time," said the seventh-grader, who acknowledged that the intense feelings of shame and fear associated with trauma had already placed her significantly behind her peers and added that there would likely be even greater challenges to raising the offspring of the man who attacked her.
Tempting Fate: The last print issue◊ had the main article "'Onion' Print Revenues Up 5,000%", with the rest of the front page featuring headlines such as "Digital Media Revolution Still Another 70 Or 80 Years Away", "Nation Just Prefers Feel Of Newsprint In Hands" and "City Planners Call For Widened Sidewalks To Alleviate Congestion Around 'Onion' Newspaper Boxes".
Testosterone Poisoning: "New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt".
The Tetris Effect: "Area CEO Likes To Think Of Family As Small, Close-Knit Business".
The Snack Is More Interesting: "Snacks Distract Lawmakers From Horrors of War".
There Is No Kill Like Over Kill: "NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing-Choking-Impaling-Beheading-Electrocution-Lethal injection death".
They Changed It, Now It Sucks!: In-universe with "NHL Woos Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line".
This Loser Is You:
- "Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else".
- "World's Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware". It just gets worse from the title; the illustration is just text reading, "The image of the non-telepath has already been psychically transmitted to all of humanity and thus does not need to reproduced here."
- "BREAKING: Authorities Currently Racing Down Highway To Arrest You For Crime You Didn't Commit– Run!"
- "Totally Unknown Guy Strolling Around Your Part Of Office For Some Reason".
- "Scientists Confirm First Case Of Zika Transmission From Article To Reader".
- "Breaking: The Onion Has Detected A Virus On Your Computer".
The Theme Park Version: "Yellowstone National Park Concerned About Competing 'Yello-Stone Natural Park' Built Right Across Street".
Three-Month-Old Newborn: "Woman on TV Gives Birth to Four-Month-Old Baby".
Throw It In: In-universe with "Police Interruption Hastily Written Into Student Film".
Time Abyss:
- T. Herman Zweibel was born in the 1800s, and despite being incredibly old and afflicted with an innumerable amount of maladies, is somehow still hanging in there.
- Joad Cressbeckler, a grizzled, ancient ex-gold miner who, after running as a third-party presidential candidate in 2008, got his own ONN show, The Cressbeckler Stance.
Timey-Wimey Ball: "Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd Battle Of Bull Run".
Toilet Seat Divorce: Parodied in the Libra of this set of horoscopes.
You're about to go through a really messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you'll refuse to put down.
Token Minority: "Black Guy Photoshopped In". As 11points demonstrates, this is Truth in Television.
Token Trio: Can be observed in the peer review panel in this article.
Tonight, Someone Dies: "Disney Trailer Teases Exit Of Major Character In Upcoming Film 'Death At Pooh Corner'".
Too Dumb to Live:
- "Looking Back On My Life, I Guess My Biggest Regret Is Trying To Fight That Alligator 5 Minutes Ago".
- "Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids." One boy fires a missile up his nose, another girl breaks the toy to eat the shards, and another boy jumps off his apartment's balcony, thinking the toy will let him fly.
Too Good for This Sinful Earth: "Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure" applies the trope to a pastry instead of a person.
Too Hot for TV: "C-SPAN Releases 'Too Hot For C-SPAN!' Video".
Trailers Always Spoil: "Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie".
Training from Hell: "'I Want To Be In The Olympics Someday,' Says Delusional Kindergartner Already 4 Years Behind In Elite Training" claims that the titular kindergartener Mia Gaughan is already 4 years behind in elite training, and calls her narcissistic and foolish for even thinking of competing in the Olympics when she's that far behind.
Tranquil Fury: "Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper".
Transforming Mecha: "Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot".
Translation by Volume: This article on traveling abroad advises that shouting at foreigners is useful, along with many other helpful tips for American tourists.
Trans Equals Gay: "Conservatives: Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays/Marriage".
Transparent Closet:
- "Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet".
- "Area Man Experimenting with Homosexuality For Past Eight Years".
- "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?"
- "Band Teacher Gay In Retrospect".
Trauma Conga Line: Jim Haggerty in the Porkin' Across America series is subjected to this along with a decent amount of Body Horror and Sanity Slippage. Besides losing his dog, car, house and the love of his entire family throughout the progress of the show, his continually building injuries force him to have to replace parts of his body with pig innards. By the final episode, he's so become so disparaged and mutilated that he embraces becoming a pig and goes to live on a farm with the rest of his kind, even disregarding an opportunity to retake his hosting position on Today Now! and an awards show in favor his new "family".
Trial Balloon Question: "NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot".
[Trope Name]: Used in perhaps the most spot-on parody of 24-hour cable news ever, "Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere".
Trouble Entendre: "Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays" is an example in and of itself.
Draeger: We need a place where all ages can gather and pay their respects, and remember what it is that we've lost.
Al-Farouq: Yes. It is our goal to continue to make places where people can go and mourn the death of their loved ones.
Troubled Production: In-universe with "Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays".
Troubling Unchildlike Behavior: Lucas Armitage in "Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutliates Burglar". Even the host gets a bit uncomfortable as Lucas stares into the camera and says, "I want the blood."
True Meaning of Christmas: Parodied in "Has Halloween Become Too Commercialized?", where the debaters discuss how people are forgetting the true meaning of Halloween: warding off evil spirits.
Turned Against Their Masters: "'I'm Afraid You Won't Be Coming To Our New Headquarters,' Declares Alexa As Amazon Execs Find Themselves Locked In Seattle Office".
Twister Game Hijinks: Parodied in the article "Twister Party Fails To Get Dirty", in which a Twister party for twentysomethings disappointments one of its male invitees by remaining wholesome rather than having "everyone climbing all over each other, getting real close."

U-Z

Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: "Woman's Parents Accepting Of Mixed-Attractiveness Relationship".
Underdogs Never Lose: "Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids".
Understatement: "Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia".
Unexpected Successor:
- "Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History".
- "Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office: 'I Still Can't Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,' Says New President Sally Jewell"
Ungrateful Bastard: "Mama Duck Doesn’t Recall Asking For Injured Baby To Be Rescued From Road"
Unknown Rival: "Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son"
Unmourned Death: An article headlined "Ugly Girl Killed" describes how an ugly six-year-old girl was killed and nobody, including the police and the media, paid any attention.
Un-person: "White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove"
Unstoppable Rage: "Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination".
Unwitting Instigator of Doom: According to "Recent Rise In International Disputes Traced Back To Cute U.N. Tour Guide", many recent political conflicts began because various international delegates suddenly found themselves smitten with an attractive U.N. tour guide passing by, and became too Distracted by the Sexy to do their jobs properly.
Updated Re-release: "Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences".
Useless Accessory: "Badass Surgeon Puts On Fingerless Latex Gloves Before Operating"
Vacanti Mouse Copy: At the end of the video "Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday", an experiment is mentioned where scientists in Britain try to teach a mouse with an ear grafted to its back "what a freak it is".
Vagueness Is Coming: "Old, Wizened Fantasy Character Confirms That The Darkness Is Rising".
Viewers Are Goldfish: "FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007".
Viewers Are Morons:
- "Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Mainstream Audience".
- "Onion Weather Center: We Dumb It Down The Best We Can For Our Viewers In The Deep South"
Villain Has a Point:
- "U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship":
  Following Monday's deadly terrorist attack on a Carnival Cruise Line ship, U.S. officials have had difficulty issuing a stern condemnation of the incident, saying that while any act of terrorism is inexcusable, they couldn't completely blame al-Qaeda for wanting to blow up what is essentially a giant, floating symbol of everything that is truly god-awful about America.
- "Hostage Negotiator Has To Admit Terrorist Has Good Point":
  "Well, I don't approve of threatening the lives of over 300 innocent civilians, but I have to agree that the Turkish troops have no business being in Cyprus, the only European country occupied by a foreign army."
Villain with Good Publicity: "PR Firm Kills Innocent Child".
Visual Pun: "Guy Who Normally Holds Up Letter 'D' Sick This Week".
Wacky Fratboy Hijinx: "Online University Cracks Down on Rowdy Online Fraternity".
Walking Techbane: "My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate That Bitch".
Wall of Text:
- "Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text".
- "Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail".
Waking Up at the Morgue: "Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue"
Wants a Prize for Basic Decency:
- "Chauvin Defense Team Praises Officer's Restraint In Not Killing Bystanders":
  "Mr. Chauvin was under a staggering amount of stress at the time, and the fact that not everybody was gunned down in a bloodbath is just proof of his exceptional professionalism. It is clear Derek Chauvin is a highly self-disciplined man, as any average police officer would have shot the bystanders in the back the moment they turned away."
- "Local Priest Takes Great Pride In Never Having Molested Anyone".
- Incompetent Staff Feels Underappreciated
  “This place would fall apart without me,” said routinely absent project coordinator Susan Mc Intyre. “I’m the only one around here who actually knows how to use the popcorn maker, and I almost always remember to wash my mug in the sink after I’m done using it. Plus, I show up to meetings only like a minute or two late.”
Wealthy Yacht Owner:
- "Rising Income Inequality Causing Wealthy Americans To Take On Second Sailboat".
- "Rich Guy Wins Yacht Race".
We Can Rule Together: "'Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,' Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo".
Wedding Deadline: Revealed at the end in "I'm Sure That Out-Of-Control Water-Skier Will Avoid Our Outdoor Wedding", who is imminently going to ruin the wedding, The protagonist was "forced to leave my first love, a working-class Irish bootblack named Patrick, to marry a rich man who pleased my father but whom I could never truly love, [...] Patrick, who just so happens to be that same directionless water-skier. Yes, nothing can go wrong now."
"Well Done, Son" Guy:
- "Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave".
- "NASCAR Driver [Aric Almirola]'s Parents Pay For Congratulatory Message On Side Of Son's Car".
We Will Use WikiWords in the Future: Future News 2137 has the anchors and interviewees using words like "Frustrage" and "Criticalism".
Wham Line:
What Could Have Been: In-Universe, "97-Year-Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy".
What Could Possibly Go Wrong?: "Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones".
What Do You Mean, It's Not Didactic?: In-Universe.
What Does She See in Him?: "Relationship Experts Still No Closer To Discovering What Scarlett Johansson Sees In Colin Jost".
When All You Have Is a Hammer…: "If I Had One Piece Of Advice For Today's Youth, It Would Be To Throw A Baseball Really, Really Well".
"Where Are They Now?" Epilogue: "Huffington Post Completes 63 Million Page 'Where Are They Now' Slideshow Of Every Celebrity Ever".
Who Shot JFK?: Our Dumb Century has a story about JFK being shot by practically every single individual or organization that conspiracy theories accuse of his assassination.
Whole-Plot Reference:
Wild Child: "Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody".
Wild Teen Party: "Congress Lowers Drinking Age To 17 Just For Jenny's Party".
Wishing for More Wishes: "Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation with Wish for Unlimited Wishes".
A Wizard Did It: "Sci-fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'".
The Woobie: In-Universe, "Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo".
Word Salad Philosophy: "Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics".
Work Info Title: 74 normal photos and two kinda weird ones is a collection of 74 normal photos and two kinda weird ones offered without comment.
World of Weirdness: The entire body of work could be seen as a serious news source from a crazy alternate world.
The Worm Guy: "Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters".
Wrong Genre Savvy: "Man Who Will Die In Great Eastern Seaboard Flood Of 2023 Preparing For Mayan Apocalypse".
Xtreme Kool Letterz: "Alphabet Updated With 15 Exciting New Replacement Letters".
You Can't Fight Fate:
- Most of the horoscope entries, although this list's Scorpio is probably the most blunt example.
  Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.
- Inverted in this list's Pisces.
  Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.
You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: "All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer" ends with the following depressing sentence.
According to the CEO, Hemstead's contributions to Pinnacle Insurance will pay even greater dividends when he is let go and replaced with a college graduate willing to work for half the salary, allowing Pardahee to give himself a substantial raise.
You No Take Candle:
- "Fire Hot" is presented like a caveman talking about fire.
- "Republicans Reach Out To Women With New 'No Punch Pretty Lady' Bill" features a congressman talking like this.
- "This What World Like Now" is a title-only example.
Zombie Apocalypse:
- "Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack".
- "Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks".

Clark Pollard

Clark Pollard, a lifelong conservative, explains why - when it comes to people, media, and big cities - he's afraid of it all. And he's not going to apologize for it. He illustrates it at the end of his interview when he stands in salute, and then pisses his pants at the general terror he feels towards everyone and everything.

Example of:
Bring My Brown Pants