Most Horrid (short story)

Most Horrid was the second story in the anthology Wildthyme on Top. It was written by Justin Richards.

Summary[[edit] | [edit source]]

Iris Wildthyme interrupts the recording of an episode of Most Horrid, a ghost-hunting TV show. She severely annoys everybody there, ruins their show by exposing their lies. There's no ghost, just some bloke messing with the wires. Reality TV at its finest.

But then, who was it that Stanley Harris had seen, that fateful night? Whose face was in the photograph? And who was it that killed poor Margaret?

Plot[[edit] | [edit source]]

The story opens with Felicity Browning getting her make-up done by Mildred, the make-up lady. Peter is, meanwhile, getting ready to shoot the intro to their show, Most Horrid. Felicity tells Mildred that they won't be needing her till "you know", and that she better tidy her stuff up as they need the place looking "grim and dusty and macabre", as it was where the murder happened, after all. Peter asks why Greg can't help instead of hiding out in a cupboard. Felicity responds that it's a butler's pantry, and tells him to be quiet lest Stanley Harris hears, and that "it" should look "completely genuine". Stanley is in the bedroom, setting up the old recording gear. They begin to film the intro.

Stanley, coming downstairs in time to hear the last bit of the intro, wonders why he ever agreed to do this. After all, somebody had died there. The answer? Money, of course. Felicity reminds him that he's being well-paid, which is half true, and tells him to go upstairs and set up the tape recorder which he had all those years ago, and she and Peter would 'find' him there.

While there, Stanley explains the conditions they were in, all those years ago. He starts playing back the recordings. Felicity's interest is artificial, for the cameras, and it unsettles him.

Then, suddenly, with a flash of lightning: there she is, in the window. Wrinkled features, beaky nose, shock of white hair. The Old Peddler Woman has made her appearance.

Felicity and Peter seem to have not seen her, but celebrate the first video footage of her nonetheless.

Then, they hear the sound they'd heard just after Margaret had died fifty years ago, which had chilled Stanley "to the marrow": "a rasping of unearthly sound that sawed back and forth like some banshee calling to its fellows before ending in a resonating thump like a body falling to the ground."

Felicity and Peter, despite being terrified, decide to go downstairs and check it out. Stanley shuffled after them.

They find, standing in the doorway, illuminated by a flash of lightning, a hunched, misshapen, ominous woman. Stanley gasps that it's the Old Peddler Woman. Then, she removes her raincoat held over her head, revealing that she is of quite a normal shape, and takes offence to being called that, saying that just because she's gotten a bit drenched in the rain on the way from the bus, and none of them are as young as they used to be. Stanley, after getting over she shock, needs tea. Felicity doesn't want him to, as the kitchen had been set as the scene of the crime, and she didn't want to disturb it. Iris agrees loudly that tea's just the thing, and she'd been wanting to borrow a cup of sugar for that, "and let her just get the kettle on and make a nice brew for everyone."

She does, not before mentioning that she wouldn't expect anyone to clean windows in the storm. Felicity and Peter change the subject conspicuously fast, and let her get on with the tea.

Iris makes the tea for Stanley (as in, she tells him where the kettle is and lets him get on with it,) while commenting on the shabby state of the house and starting a futile search for biscuits that really goes nowhere. She declines tea, instead drinking from her hipflask. She seems a bit disappointed when Felicity says they're shooting a show, says that she's had experience with spirits and can help, but after being told to stay out of the way, Iris unconvincingly says she will.

The recordings so smooth enough, though Iris demands to see everything. At one point, Iris says that it's the fuses that are causing the lights to flicker and that they'll need a rewiring, but she gets shut down, Felicity and Peter saying that it's "the spooks." Iris reiterates that it's the fuses, and goes to hunt for fuse box. Felicity tries to dissuade her. She doesn't budge, and discovers Greg "play[ing] back spooky noises through hidden speakers and flicker[ing] the lights on and off."

The Old Peddler Woman makes another appearance in a window, but Iris dives through the window and yanks her back: it's Mildred.

They have tea again, Felicity trying to save face while recalling the incidents in 1955. Stanley's gone for a lie-down in the bed upstairs.

Iris, with an air of authority, says that ghosts don't go about killing people, nor do they like to appear in photographs. If she did, then she's not a ghost. Iris gets handed the photographs. She finds something familiar in Stanley and Margaret, but then gets shown the picture with the Old Peddler Woman.

She recognises the leopard-print handbag hanging from her wrist. And, Felicity says, there were impossible tyre-track marks, from the weight and tread and spacing, telltale of a double-decker bus: all the police ever found.

Iris remembers quite clearly, now. It was her. The Old Peddler Woman.

She'd arrived with a storm in full swing on the island, dashed inside (failing to notice Stanley and Margaret arguing, Margaret pleading him to not do something,) gone to the kitchen and nicked a bottle of milk. Then, she had seen Margaret sleeping on the counter, and after getting over her surprise, chats to her awkwardly before patting her on the cheek to check up on her. There's bruises on her neck.

The flash of a camera. Stanley looks terrified, and almost in tears, runs and calls for John. Iris is affronted, and makes her exit as John's coming down the stairs. She thinks that they are quite mad, and Margaret can sleep all she wants for all she cares. She assumes that Margaret had had too much to drink.

Iris has an idea. She tells the crew that they'll solve a murder live on TV, or live on recording anyways.

She dresses up as the Old Peddler Woman, and visits Stanley. She hisses at him to confess, and he does, eventually breaking down into incoherent sobs. It was all an accident, and the Old Peddler Woman was just convenient to blame, and now neither of their souls will ever rest in peace, he says. He ends up falling asleep.

Iris takes off her disguise and leaves while the crew are talking. She takes the sugar with her.

Characters[[edit] | [edit source]]

• Iris Wildthyme
• Felicity Browning
• Mildred Reilly
• Peter
• Greg
• Stanley Harris
• Margaret Schuman
• John Struther

Worldbuilding[[edit] | [edit source]]

• Felicity lies and says that Most Horrid has insurance, when Mildred threatens to sue if she falls off a ladder.
• Peter moodily mutters to himself about how there's no decent lighting, how he had to do the sound himself, and why he's working for such a cheapskate place which can't afford a proper filming crew.
• Most Horrid is so low-budget that they can't afford a clapperboard.
• Comarth Grange is located on the Isle of Comarth in the middle of Lake Tamertie. Its original owner was Sir Hugo Destrier.
• Margaret Schuman, Stanley Harris and John Struther were from the University of South Grimster's parapsychology unit.
• John Struther died peacefully in his sleep at sixty seven.
• Margaret was John's girlfriend who'd gone along with them. She was, apparantly, attuned to the psychic plane.
• Iris' accent is from somewhere between Liverpool, Manchester and perhaps Ilkley Moor.
• Iris is five feet tall.
• Iris thought that Margaret was quite attractive, but didn't know how to dress to her advantage. She thought that she'd look much better in "a skintight red leather number and a beret tilted to a suitably cheeky angle."
• Iris also thought that John was attractive, "if one had the time for that sort of thing." Unfortunately, she didn't.

Notes[[edit] | [edit source]]

• Though this anthology is meant to be themed around Iris and Tom's travels, Tom isn't present in the story. Presumably he is on the bus somewhere and missed out on this.
• From the description of the Old Peddler Woman, it seems that Iris was in her Beryl Reid Incarnation during the events in 1955.

Continuity[[edit] | [edit source]]

• Iris mentions knowing a man with a beaky nose. According to her, he was a "lovely chap. Bit stuffy, but a real gentleman. Lightened up a hit once he got older." This man is probably the Third Doctor. (PROSE: Verdigris)