CESL US Customs & Culture

Social gatherings are quite informal in the US. Most people do not use parties to show wealth or taste. Parties are opportunities for people to gather, converse, and relax. As a result, the host-guest relationship, which is quite formal in many cultures, is very informal. Your host wants you to "feel at home." You may be greeted at the door with "Make yourself at home." This means you may have to serve yourself.

Invitations are usually informal and often oral, but tell the time and place: "Will you come over Tuesday evening at 8:00?" A statement such as "come and see me sometime" or "drop in" is not an invitation. It means that you must telephone before you drop in. If you accept an invitation, it is important that you go and be punctual. The host expects you to call as soon as possible if you must cancel. It is considered rude to simply not show up. If you are not interested in the invitation, it is better to politely refuse the date or appointment in the beginning. Refusing a date is not considered rude in the United States.

A formal, written invitation, requires a response and often a written response.

• If the invitation says "RSVP," you must call the host and tell him whether or not you will be there. If you cannot attend or do not plan to attend, say so. Do not say "yes" just to be polite. The "RSVP" is to help the host plan how much food and drink to prepare; an accurate count is necessary.
• If your invitation says, "Regrets only," you only need to tell your host if you do not plan to attend. If you are unsure how to dress, call the host and ask, "What should I wear?".
• Student gatherings are much less formal. What time you arrive makes little difference, because people are coming and going all the time. Many student parties are "BYOB" (bring you own beverage). You will make enemies rapidly if you go to parties and drink other people's beverages. If a party is BYOB , then you should BYOB!

GIFTS FOR HOSTS

It is not necessary to bring flowers, candy or a gift to a dinner host. However, it is a nice thing to do. You should always say "thank you" when you leave. It is also polite to write a note or telephone the next day and repeat your thank you. Overnight house guests usually bring a small, inexpensive gift to the host, such as a souvenir from your home country or other small remembrance.

TABLE ETIQUETTE

If you have dietary restrictions, it is a good idea to tell your host when you are invited. When you are at the dinner table and are asked if you would like something, do not refuse out of politeness. The host or hostess probably won't ask you a second time. After you have had enough, it is all right to politely decline additional servings.

US individualism shows in attitudes toward children. In many societies, it is important to have many children. In the US, a few religious groups emphasize the importance of large families, but most people think one or two children are enough, and many couples have no children. Because taking care of a child is very costly financially, emotionally, and socially, many couples view large families as a disadvantage. Having many children would restrict the freedom and individualism of the parents as well as the other children in the family.

Parents teach individualism by the way they raise their children. They want to create a self-reliant, independent child, who can make it on her own by age eighteen. Parents begin teaching this self-reliance early, asking the child to do things on her own and praising her when she does. As a result, children are more talkative and assertive than children of other cultures. If they seem rude, it is because they have been taught to be assertive.

Parents want their children to be healthy and happy, and to have a better life than the parents. Families spend a lot of money to give their children what they want: nice clothes, many toys, adequate health and dental care, and a good education. Strangely enough, many parents give up time with their children to pay for these things. In most two-parent households, both parents work to support this life-style, leaving their children with babysitters and child care programs for eight, nine or ten hours a day.

Many parents want to expose their children to a variety of situations. They bring their children with them to church, to sporting events, to stores, and to social events. However, many places, such as expensive restaurants and live theater productions, do not welcome children. Most formal social gatherings, those with written invitations do not welcome children either. If you are going to such a place, you should leave your children at home with a friend or babysitter.

Children, especially boys are expected to be energetic and assertive. That does not mean, though, that they are allowed to "run wild" in public. Parents are expected to keep their children under control at all times, particularly in public places and in the homes of others. When a child misbehaves, only the child's parents may discipline him. Other adults should not interfere unless the child is doing something which may be harmful to himself. Most parents discipline their children by rewarding good behaviors, not by punishing bad behaviors. While a spanking, a slap to the child's buttocks, is acceptable to some people, any punishment that wounds the child or leaves a mark is considered child abuse and is against the law.

Perhaps the most difficult situation facing international families is how much US culture they want their children to learn. Many of the attributes which are valued in the US, and which your child will unconsciously learn, will not be valued when the child returns home. You will need to give this issue serious thought and discuss it with your spouse.