Emergency? Just dial 'M' for mayhem

Do you know what emergency number to call in case of fire? It's 199. By the way, that number is good if you have unwelcome animals intruding into your house too.

How about a health emergency? Well, you can choose between 1669 for the National Institute of Emergency Medicine, 1646 for the BMA's Erawan Emergency Centre or 1554 for Vachira Hospital's medical ambulance team.

If it's a disaster, like a bridge falling down or flash flood heading your way, keep in your memory that the number to call is 192. If it's something less cataclysmic, like a road accident, it is 1146. Don't forget that when it comes to a car or motorcycle theft, the hotline is 1192. For illegal drugs, it's 1165 but general complaints about foods and drugs go to 1556. If a taxi refused a trip, call 1584.

These do not include 1195 for the crime suppression police, 1784 for public disasters, 1146 for road safety services belonging to the rural road department, 1356 for general transport safety and 1300 to report a missing person.

That is not all. Each and every government ministry and agency also maintains their own hotline numbers. There is the 1111 hotline for public services, 1567 for public services as well but probably only those pertaining to the Interior Ministry, 1166 for consumer protection, 1355 for the Administrative Court and 1765 for the Ministry of Culture.

Why do we need so many hotlines and "emergency'' numbers? Does it help people in urgent need this way? Who can possibly remember which specific number to use for which specific occasion?

In total, we have close to a hundred of these so-called hotlines. Some belong to the government, others operated by private entities such as the JS100 radio (whose numbers are 1808 and 1137 in case you need them.)

Since the list is long and the numbers are not easily distinguishable, it has become customary for people to either print them out or save the list to their phone in case of need. That is one way to survive the labyrinth of Thai life.

By all means, the variety of emergency and hotline numbers may not be the biggest problem in a country where corruption has advanced to a state-of-the-art level while the quality of education totters far behind. Also, there is no getting around the fact that ours is a coup country, run by a military regime which took power because things were falling apart four years ago and people basically agreed that sweeping reform was needed.

But of course, a long time has passed and we see sweeping authoritarianism but no reform. Major woes, be they corruption, income inequality, double-standards or nepotism, remain prevalent, if they have not worsened.

Amid these structural problems, the plethora of hotlines for supposedly urgent state services may be a small, even negligible matter. Still, it is indicative of how ineffective, cumbersome and messy our bureaucracy and government are in general.

These hotlines are supposed to be the crucial point of contact between state agencies and citizens. They are there for government offices to provide help and receive complaints or tip-offs from people so that they can do a better job.

If the first contact point is this messy and unorganised, is there hope for a timely response let alone efficient services? Without a feedback loop, how can state agencies ever be reformed?

While it is understandable that some unrelated matters, such as drug suppression and road accidents, may require separate contact numbers, to have three hotline numbers for health emergency services is mind-boggling.

Having a separate hotline for each and every government service whether they are related to one another or not appears to reflect the bureaucracy's reductionistic, silo culture.

By maintaining separate hotline numbers, it would seem the national disaster warning centre is working in isolation from the public disaster prevention agency. And should ordinary citizens need to be aware of the division of labour and consider the scale of the disaster before making a call?

Worse, are the officials or the government itself aware of where the line of authority is drawn between the agencies? Or is the state of the bureaucratic work as jumbled as their hotline numbers?

Maybe state agencies need different hotlines so that they can continue to work separately in order to avoid the synchronisation that would make their services better but their life more difficult? Now, which agency should be able to answer this question? Should we call 1111, 1567 or just 191?