Keeping Kids Curious About Their Bodies Without Shame (Published 2020)
- ️Thu Jul 16 2020
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It’s natural and entirely harmless for young children to explore. But it’s also important for parents to set boundaries.
July 16, 2020
A mother received an awkward email from her son’s kindergarten teacher last fall. Her 6-year-old and his friends had been caught unzipping their pants and flashing each other during lunch. The behavior was not unusual for his age, the teacher wrote, but it was inappropriate at school. She had spoken with him, and she hoped the parents could address it at home, too.
Now I’m not saying that mother was me. (I’m also not saying it’s not me.) but I can personally attest to the difficulty of handling this kind of situation as a parent.
The list of body behavior that makes parents uncomfortable is long. It’s not uncommon to see little ones get naked in public, or stick their hands down their pants, or in this case, compare penises in the school cafeteria — and then, all worked up by the event, shout out words like “penis” and “butt,” disrupting afternoon lessons. Did I forget to mention that part? And while this may be happening less in public with the pandemic, there’s plenty of body curiosity at home that can give parents pause.
But as the teacher said, all of this behavior is totally age-appropriate. Yet school rules must be followed, and limits must be set. So how do we do that while communicating that body curiosity is healthy and normal? How do we talk to our kids about body boundaries without making them feel ashamed?
Affirm body curiosity, don’t shame
The body is a child’s first classroom, says Deborah Roffman, a human sexuality educator, consultant and author of “Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ ‘Go To’ Person About Sex.” The sounds that bodies make and the stuff that comes out of them — they find it all “endlessly fascinating,” she said.
It’s perfectly natural for infants and toddlers to explore their genitals, especially as diapers come off and these parts are more accessible. By age 4 or 5, this behavior can become more intentional, Ms. Roffman said, and it is all “normal, expected and entirely harmless.”