The Fool-Proof Way to Know if Someone Has an STD or STI

Welcome to "Ask a Sex Educator," a weekly series where renowned sex educator Lena Solow will be answering all of your questions about the tough stuff — sexuality, gender, bodies, STDs, pregnancy, consent, pleasure, and more.

How do I bring up STIs and STI testing with a new partner?

So often in health classes, people learn every detail of the symptoms of different STIs, but nothing about how to actually chat with someone about staying safe. That conversation can definitely feel nerve-racking, so let’s break it down.

If possible, bring this up at a time that you both have the energy to talk about it and you're not distracted. So, ideally, not RIGHT before you’re going to start fooling around. It’s easier to talk about this when you’re not in the heat of the moment. I always recommend starting conversations with a positive — "I love you" or "I have a lot of fun with you" or "I'm excited about doing other sexual things with you." Then, just tell your partner, “I want to talk about how we can both take care of our sexual health.” Anyone worth fooling around with will be down to have this conversation.

The actual conversation can go many different ways. You may start by talking about your own status. If you are living with an STI, it makes sense to feel anxious about bringing it up with a partner. But here’s the thing — before you’re naked with someone, you deserve to know if they’re going to be respectful of you and your body — including if you have an STI. On the flip side, be prepared to be respectful and nonjudgmental if your partner reveals their STI status to you. And, maybe do a little research beforehand (or together!) so that you understand how STI’s are transmitted, and how to treat or cure any STI’s that either of you have or might contract.

Once you talk about what you each know about your sexual health, talk about what action steps you want to take around staying healthy. Maybe you want to keep or start using barriers (condoms, dental dams, or gloves). Or maybe you want to talk about what kinds of sexual activities you’re going to do — you could say something like, “I don’t want to do anything where we exchange fluids” or “I want to keep underwear on”.

And for the record, you can always have boundaries around all of this regardless of whether or not either of you is currently living with an STI. You could also talk about going to a doctor, separately or together. Depending on the state you’re in, you may be able to access free and confidential sexual health services as a minor — that would be things like STI testing, STI treatment, or PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis, a daily medication that drastically lowers the risk of getting HIV).

Your partner could respond in a lot of different ways to this conversation. It makes sense for it to be a little difficult or awkward, but it’s not okay for them to make you feel bad about initiating the conversation or to act like this means you don’t trust them. In fact, I think it shows a lot of trust to be willing to talk openly about this so you can both take care of your bodies.